Well, I had my second official breakdown since being in Denver. Not bad for being in a place for 6 months, I think. What is it with me freaking out at the 6 month mark in any committed relationship? but i digress...
The breakdown:
It's silly. It usually is. Yesterday we threw a baby shower for my sister and I got in my head too much feeling like I am ALWAYS the one throwing the party because I feel like I will NEVER have an event in my life worthy of a shower. The curse of being the youngest by a lot. I can't keep up any more. As a kid I could learn how to act to lessen the gap in age, but that doesn't work any more. I can't make someone love me, I can't force children on myself. I'm not ready, I know this. I can't force that. But it doesn't make it any easier to be the VERY LAST person in my family (and seemingly in my life) to commit to anything (at all).
I can't commit on a place to call home or even to THE IDEA of where I want my life to go.
I thought I had it all figured out. I spent a full year and half 1400 miles away from my family to grow up and figure all this shit out so I could come home and settle down and get on with life. And here I am regressing back to pre-North Carolina. Confused. Lost. Aimless. Spineless. This is not me. I've moved past this.
But then yesterday with the shower stuff, my mom delegated this horrifically expensive "Island Salsa" with tomatoes, mangos, kiwis, etc (It's January, mind you). $10 at least for all this stuff and an hour and a half of chopping and it didn't even taste that good. This is what spurred the freak out. I should have stood my ground and bought a $4 salsa and no one would have known the difference, but between the fear of the wrath of my mom and guilt and pride I pushed through and painstakingly made the fucking salsa. Complete with an embarrassing fit that lead me to the fetal position on the kitchen floor. Thank god I was home alone. It was too much symbolism, too much of a flash back to adolescents for me not to react like I was still 16.
And then I get the urge to leave. Looking into internships abroad. Opportunities for personal growth. Because it's obviously something wrong with ME, right?? There couldn't possibly be something wrong with the way that my family functions, could there? If i freak out because of something that my mom MIGHT say to me then thats obviously my issue. But thats the way it works. We don't talk about this stuff. We don't have negative emotions. We are not confrontational. We turn our cheeks and stuff emotions down and talk behind each others backs and move on. Except that no one moves on and we are all still bickering about the same stuff we were when I was 16!
And it's almost like it's too far gone, you know? Like why bring up this stuff now when my parents are in their mid-60s - they are not going to change. And little ol' me sure isn't going to be the one to revolutionize the way my family communicates. Wouldn't it just be easier to move to the mountains, start a family of my own and create a culture that I enjoy? if only it were that easy...
