27

I will enter my late twenties on Thursday.  27. 

As evidenced by my last post I really do love my life. Things are going mostly great and I have very little to complain about.  However, today, with the clouds rolling in and it being a little chilly outside, I've become a little melancholy. I'm tired of doing shit alone. I'm supposed to be okay with it.  I've carefully constructed this image of myself as an independent woman... but, I wondering if maybe that's all a sham. I'm tired of being alone. I've done it. It's been fun, but now I'm ready for some companionship. 

Today especially I’ve been working through the sludge of being an unattached woman in her late twenties.  Dealing with the profoundly annoying crescendoing of my biological clock.  Wanting now more then ever to be settled somewhere.  I take up space in Denver, but I don’t really live here yet.  I haven’t really invested much into my space. I find it hard.  When Ariel is already talking about a possible shift in the housing situation in August I don’t really want to invest too much time or energy into this space to make it feel more like home. I don’t want to build friendships or plant gardens or even hang pictures on the walls when I know that this is not actually my home. (which is great until I realize that I have no plans for my birthday and then I get sad and wish I had more friends). But overall, I just feel like I’m floating here, filling up space and waiting for my life to start.  I hate this.  I have been actively trying to avoid this feeling, but I can’t help it. The god damn biological clock has made it so the only way I will feel fulfilled is to raise a fucking family. The one thing I have absolutely no control over.  I could go ahead and buy a house. Start a garden. Get a dog. But then I would have a big, constant, empty reminder that my house, just like my life, is lacking. So instead I float. I wait. I occupy space and try to enjoy myself.  I’m doing all the things that people say I’m going to miss once I have a family - traveling, drinking, having lazy mornings. But I wonder if I will miss those things... 6 of one, half dozen of the other I’m guessing.  

Hopefully some day I will be lucky enough to find out for myself.

You know in life when things are going THAT good?  So good that you kind of don't want to tell people about it because you're afraid it will come off as bragging - or worse, that you might jinx it?  Jinx, by the way, is kind of a funny idea to me.  Like somehow admitting to the universe that you realize things are going really well and therefore the universe might remember that it hasn't given you shit to deal with in a long while and then it will all catch up to you in one sitting. Well, whatever, i feel like life is only 30% circumstance anyway- the rest is attitude.

Moral of the story is life really is THAT good right now. I am loving it and I am constantly in awe of how insanely lucky I am to be in my situation.  I agree that much of my situation I was born into, but you know, a lot of it - especially lately - I have created myself. I am proud of myself for that.

I started mentoring today.  This is silly, but I didn't really realize until today how big of a commitment this is. I decided to do this on a whim one night when I realized that it was probably the 8th night in a row that I was laying on my couch wasting time.  I wanted to volunteer and do something worthwhile - maybe better myself in the process. I googled volunteer opportunities and Denver Urban Scholars was on the list.  Not a very heroic story, but gut feelings late at night seem to really have a good (albeit life changing) effect on me. I am entering this girls life in a pretty serious way and I am going to get attached. I'm going to want to see this through and she's only in the 7th grade. It's exciting to have a real (respectable) reason to stay somewhere.  I realized that I haven't lived in the same house for more than 2 years since I was 18. Not that I could get too comfy where I am... I'm sure Ariel would like her basement back at some point, but maybe I'll actually want to stay in the area for a few years... for her and for a certain Him. He has only been in the picture for a few months, so perhaps a little soon to be including him in any long term plans, but I want to and thats way more than I can say for anyone else that I've dated in the past 6 years.

While I'm gloating, I'll just round it out by commenting on how my job is perfect for my current situation.  Funny how this was my last ditch effort for employment and it really is quite perfect for me in this moment. I love how life works out. And also how I am, surprisingly enough, really getting a long well with my entire family.  They are kind of my friend group right now (kinda lame, I know) but it's so nice to be near them and not have to walk on egg shells (as much).

I am really happy. I love my life.