27

I will enter my late twenties on Thursday.  27. 

As evidenced by my last post I really do love my life. Things are going mostly great and I have very little to complain about.  However, today, with the clouds rolling in and it being a little chilly outside, I've become a little melancholy. I'm tired of doing shit alone. I'm supposed to be okay with it.  I've carefully constructed this image of myself as an independent woman... but, I wondering if maybe that's all a sham. I'm tired of being alone. I've done it. It's been fun, but now I'm ready for some companionship. 

Today especially I’ve been working through the sludge of being an unattached woman in her late twenties.  Dealing with the profoundly annoying crescendoing of my biological clock.  Wanting now more then ever to be settled somewhere.  I take up space in Denver, but I don’t really live here yet.  I haven’t really invested much into my space. I find it hard.  When Ariel is already talking about a possible shift in the housing situation in August I don’t really want to invest too much time or energy into this space to make it feel more like home. I don’t want to build friendships or plant gardens or even hang pictures on the walls when I know that this is not actually my home. (which is great until I realize that I have no plans for my birthday and then I get sad and wish I had more friends). But overall, I just feel like I’m floating here, filling up space and waiting for my life to start.  I hate this.  I have been actively trying to avoid this feeling, but I can’t help it. The god damn biological clock has made it so the only way I will feel fulfilled is to raise a fucking family. The one thing I have absolutely no control over.  I could go ahead and buy a house. Start a garden. Get a dog. But then I would have a big, constant, empty reminder that my house, just like my life, is lacking. So instead I float. I wait. I occupy space and try to enjoy myself.  I’m doing all the things that people say I’m going to miss once I have a family - traveling, drinking, having lazy mornings. But I wonder if I will miss those things... 6 of one, half dozen of the other I’m guessing.  

Hopefully some day I will be lucky enough to find out for myself.