1 month

July 2, 2015

1 month until I marry the love of my life.

Its a strange feeling. It’s like I have been waiting for this day since I was 8 years old. Dreaming, giggling, wishing with my girlfriends. Role playing with my barbie dolls depicting what the perfect man for me would be. Then getting older and dating men that were so far from perfect and others that came dangerously close. Just honing in on exactly what I need from a partner. It’s been an incredible journey, actually. Even if mostly an internal one.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have found a man like Tom. He’s such a good match for me. He’s smart (like, not just book smart, but ACTUALLY smart) but he doesn’t make me feel stupid. He can be patient when he wants to be. He’s funnier than he gives himself credit for. He is kind, even though sometimes he forgets that he is. He is honest. He’s going to make a great father. He is a great lover. He is tender and sweet when the moment calls for it. He makes a killer mix CD and stir-fry. He looks after me and cares for me but knows that I am capable. We have similar views on a lot of things but I don’t feel any judgment from him on the things we don’t. He understands me and my needs. He never makes me feel uncomfortable. He’s not afraid of my bark, in fact he’s pretty darn skilled at calming me down. Somehow we live together and I still haven’t gotten sick of him and I still miss him terribly when he’s gone. He is my person. I feel like we can help each other grow in many different ways which will help to keep the many years to come from getting dull. I want to care for him. I want to be with him. I can’t believe I get to marry him. It’s like every cell in my being is soothed by him. He fills me up, calms me down and excites me all at the same time. It’s really pretty incredible.

Of course, I’m not disillusioned in thinking we are PERFECT for one another. Man, when we are both stressed out it is not a pretty picture. He gets stuck in his head sometimes and works himself into a tizzy. He can be too abrasive with his communication or not communicative enough. He is quite content staying at home night after night or watching sports for hours on end. And I honestly, sometimes, wonder if he’s completely got my back. But over all I trust him. He is a good man and he “gets” me. And even when we do have our little spats we always come back to each other, we don’t hold grudges and we’re both willing to learn from our mistakes.

One month from today we start a new chapter together. In many ways its the chapter of my life I’ve always wanted to live. I didn’t embrace my youth fully - I was far to square - but I’ve always thought I would be a good wife and mother. I’m sure it’ll take some getting used to, but I’m excited to get it going. Buying a house and getting married all in a months time - it’s like I’m growing up all at once! Wish me luck! I cannot wait for our wedding day (!!) and a I cannot wait to call him my husband - he’s simply amazing AND I GET TO MARRY HIM!!!!

Tom left for Vegas again today. Third year in a row and while I will certainly miss him there is definitely a part of me that is excited for him, for me and for us that he continues to do this every year. I'm glad he gets to go away for some quality "guy time" and participate in an activity that he loves and that he's challenged by. I'm excited for me because I get to come back to my roots, be with myself for long periods of time and remember what my instinctual routines are. And I'm excited for us because I love that we remain independent enough to do our own thing, be separated for many weeks but still feel rooted in love together. It's pretty cool.

I have a lot on my plate while he's gone this year. First off, I'm making reusable t-shirt bags for Andrea's company. Then I was thinking about doing a Sugar Detox (that shit is toxic) and now I'm reading this book - The Way of the Happy Woman. Which as it turns out is a self-help book... which I wasn't really bargaining for, but I might as well give it a go. Oh yeah, and I'm also working full time, volunteering for the Gardeners, mentoring, playing in a band, being a part of my family (ever growing by the twin-load), buying a house and planning a wedding. But otherwise it should be a pretty boring summer...

The most wonderful thing happened last night. Tom came home and was overcome by love for me and his life. It was so amazing to see and feel so much love radiating from him. He was hanging out with Ben and Doug, and while it is unfortunate that his joy was sparked by the misfortunes of his friends, it was delivered in a very sweet way of "I know that whatever happens, we'll be okay."I wish I could have recorded what he was saying - it felt like a dream. I have dreamt that literal conversation (you know, some super hot guy sitting on your couch bubbling over with love for you). He was so kind and heartfelt and wonderful. I loved that moment. My heart felt full.

It gave me so much confidence in our relationship to hear him say that. Not that I was on the fence or anything, but just to know that he feels it and believes it like I do makes all the difference. I only hope he can keep this feeling as we dive deeper into this thing....

I am so excited and so ready to marry him. We've really hit a stride here lately where we really just jive well together. It feels pretty perfect. Like an ideal van diagram of love. He has his life/work and I have mine and we overlap in all the right ways and show each other love, respect and trust. I really feel like I have a PARTNER in life. It's what I've always dreamed of for a marriage.

Buying a house is tough. Not only is it an exorbitant amount of money but it is such a big decision. It almost feels like choosing your future and who you want to be. Do we want to be suburbanites with the cookie cutter house and the pristine yard? Do we want to continue to wait for a tiny house closer to downtown where there is more culture and action?

The thought of suburbia always made me cringe. It still does, but now that I'm seeing first hand what we can get in our neck of the woods with the amount of money that we have I'm realizing why people move to the suburbs. A single family home in the location we want is SMALLER than the 2 bedroom condo that we have now. Location is important, but so is comfort and happiness. However, the suburbs require you to drive EVERYWHERE. Even the schools are too far to walk to.

Part of me is bummed we placed an offer on such a cookie cutter home. I always imagined I would live in one of those cute old homes on a street named after a tree or a president or something and placing this offer is giving up on that dream. It's giving up on that idea of my future. It makes me feel like I have to give up my hippie ideals, but who says you can't be a hippie in the suburbs? Hell, I'll finally have a yard so I can grow my own food and maybe raise a few ducks for eggs. I'll have the space to make my own home goods and I might actually feel like part of a community.

I guess we'll see.

I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be care-free and loving all the time. I want kindness spewing from my pores. But I just can't.

I'm struggling with (yet another) life change. This time it is a beautiful and wonderful life change resulting in what I've been searching for my entire adult life - an opportunity to grow a home and a family. But I'm learning that it doesn't mean it's not hard.

Tom and I have been cohabiting for a year and a half now. One would think I would be used to it, but I'm not. It is starting to feel like home (now that we're talking about moving). But I am still aching and yearning for my own space. For alone time. For control over my environment. I was just getting good at being my own person when I was single. I was getting the hang of being a grown up and having control over my space. And now, ironically, one of the most grown up things a girl can do feels like a giant step backwards.

I am hoping that moving into a bigger home will help. There will hopefully be a man-cave or office of sorts where he can go and close the door to contain all the little sounds that he doesn't even know annoy me. Meanwhile, I can be upstairs and relish my much needed alone/quiet time in a well lit home. Of course, kids hopefully won't be too far down the line which I imagine will dissolve any semblance of quiet.

Its ironic because in the past I have bitched about have in TOO MUCH alone time and TOO MUCH quiet and now I've swung too far the other way where I have to specifically ASK to be alone. I just need to find that balance. I'm sure it will come with time. But in the mean time I really really miss it. I miss the introspection - that is the time that I grow as a person and meditate on HOW to be happy and kind. I NEED that time. Right now I feel like I'm treading water, just fighting through each day without it meaning very much.

I guess I need to remember that I still have some control. I can not hang out with him every night. I can be more vocal about him using headphones. Maybe we can establish some sort of routine so I can have one night where I have the house to my self. I don't always have to eat what he's eating if its not healthy enough for my likings. There are options, but I want to make sure that our relationship doesn't suffer as a result. Time will tell.

This growing up thing is hard, in case you were wondering.

2015

I've got a lot of work to do this year. 

Not only is this year probably going to be one of the biggest years of my life (getting married, buying a house, etc.), I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I am not pleased with who I've been this year. I have not been happy. I have been a bit bratty, spoiled and idealistic. I miss the person I was. I used to be free spirited, loving, kind, adventurous and optimistic. Somehow I've lost some of that and I spend too much time thinking about money and busy schedules and feeling overwhelmed by the future that I have no control over. 

So with this New Year I would like to take the opportunity to explore options to metamorphosize yet again. Get back to my roots in a way. Continue on this journey of becoming a version of myself that I am proud of. 

My lifestyle is such a big part of this and it is something I have gotten away from since moving to Boulder (ironically).  I THINK buying a house will help. I will have the space/yard/security/stability to finally do some of the more permanent ideas that I have. 

Training for a half marathon will help. Exercise is good for everything, but I often have trouble getting motivated. This looming over me should help.

Exercise creates endorphines which will hopefully help my happiness. I need to get my energy back, my motivation. I wonder if getting into a routine would help, but that is nearly impossible with my work schedule. This area is still up in the air. I'll work on this. 

At any rate, I am excited and relieved to be in a new year. 2014 was surprisingly difficult (purely internal struggles) but I feel like I can look at the new year with fresh eyes. 

Here's to 2015