26

I thought I would know more by now.  I will be 26 in 2 months.  Twenty-six.  I think I'm shaken up about this because my cashier at the grocery store has commented TWICE about my age.  She's probably mid-40's and she's not trying to be rude, in fact I think she's trying to flatter me, but our conversation always goes like this: I buy beer/wine, she asks for my age, I tell her, and she says, "wow, really?  I would not have pegged you for that OLD." (maybe its her tone that conveys the offensive nature) Since when is 25 old?  I'm not really that offended, but it definitely got me thinking.  I guess you could say that I don't feel super fulfilled in my life.  I'm not where I thought I would be by now, even though I don't know where I expected to be, but I'm pretty sure 8-year-old me would have imagined that by 26 I would be married, own a house, maybe even have a child of my own - or at least a dog.  But I am no where near any of those things.  I don't know what my rush is - I am enjoying my life, I feel freedom that can only be felt when you are completely unattached.  But being completely unattached comes with the sting of loneliness that makes these dreary winters feel very long and cold.

I think more than my lack of milestones it is my lack of intelligence, insight, and direction that really get me down.  I am currently working through some cobwebs of my past, judging the way I was raised - not just by my parents, but the whole system (school, grades, incentives) - and I'm wondering if I am actually an intelligent person.  I got good grades through school, got scholarships, aced my first few semesters in nursing school which everyone said was improbable.  But do grades make you smart?  Most of the time I'm not sure that I can hold an intelligent conversation and although I love learning I can't parrot back the specific facts like some people, so how do I know if I'm actually learning?  Perhaps my fear comes from that quote "it is better to be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."  

But then you have to remember that there is another side to intelligence -  there's a certain level of insight that I long for.  Some people seem to be innately wise, meanwhile I am clamoring through books and articles trying to gain insight in the same way I attained my good grades through school... and then I get back to my argument of wondering if the way I was raised was really effective.  Finding the meaning of life through books opposed to actually living life.

stick with what you know, i suppose.

But then maybe, just maybe, once I get those first two steps under control than I can tackle my direction in life.  You'd think that since I'm already 3 years into a career that I might have some idea where I'd like to go with it, but I don't.  I don't even know if I want to be doing it any more.  I do love my job most days, but do I love it 30 years worth?  And I wonder if my time would be better spent pursuing these other strange interests that I have (ie working on a farm for a year) while I am completely unattached and save my love for nursing for later in life.  AND THEN I'm also wondering do I even want to get married?  I think I do, but is that just my upbringing and environment telling me that I must obtain the romantic love of another before age 30 or something must be wrong with me?  AND WHY just why am I basing so much of my future on someone who doesn't exist in my life yet.

I bought a self help book today.  there.  I admitted it.  I bought it online (of course.  why would I bother interacting with a human when I could get it delivered to my front door).  It should be here by Valentines Day, which to me has an amusing irony to it, so we'll see how it goes.  I need something to get me through the slump and back on my path of self discovery (or whatever you call growing up).

I cannot think of a better place to evolve into myself than Asheville.  I went to yoga this morning and the beauty of the whole situation exposed itself to me.  No better place than being surrounded by natures beauty, some of the kindest people I have ever encountered and a community of like minded individuals that support and encourage each other to grow in beauty and kindness. Sometimes I just love it here.

1.8.12

Maybe I'm making this moving thing into too much of a philosophical experience.  I talk to some of my other friends that have moved and their mind doesn't seem to be in the same tailspin that mine is in.  But I can't help but live my life in an attempt to make some sense out of this - find the deeper meaning, etc etc.  Perhaps it is my brain filling the gap where religion should be.  I believe we all have a certain spiritual hunger that we create to fill in the gaps and make sense out of things that don't make sense. Some people fill it with answers from organized religion, but I cannot. So instead I sit here and mull over the inner workings of the world and end up with a giant headache.


Being home was eye opening.  It was a very strange feeling coming "home" to a place that doesn't feel like home and then coming back to North Carolina but not necessarily feeling at home here either.  I can say with certainty that I should not be living in Denver and that having a distance between me and my family is a good thing for me in this moment.  The energy in my parents house is stifling and being there made me analyze my childhood and made me consider enrolling in some kind of therapy.  Not to say it was a bad childhood but there are definite subtle undertones that have been very harmful to me and my sisters.  I feel like someone should write a book about the Untold Stories of Suburbia... a lot of shit goes down out there that people don't know about and so everyone thinks its all white picket fences and college educations, which leaves those of us who are wounded feeling guilty because we "have it all" - and we do... but .... I dunno, I guess the grass is always greener and there is no such thing as a perfect childhood.


So here I am a week into the new year and I've been struggling settling into the rhythm of Asheville again.  Analyzing the pro's and con's and eagerly waiting for the winter clouds of discontent to lift away.   I have a made a quasi-resolution to attempt to be more extroverted and get out and meet people.  I signed up for a bunch of "meet ups" and called some friends to set up some outings and I'm just trying to live it up.  I can't wait for my life to start or hope it will knock on my door - I have to take the reins and make it happen for my self.  I fully believe that you get out of life what you put in to it - that might mean spending money from time to time or even getting hurt from time to time, but a life spent on a couch in front of a laptop surfacing only to go to work and the grocery store is not something that creates stories for the grandkids.  So maybe moving across the country is the price I needed to pay to practice this lesson of life


CAN I GET AN AMEN!