26

I thought I would know more by now.  I will be 26 in 2 months.  Twenty-six.  I think I'm shaken up about this because my cashier at the grocery store has commented TWICE about my age.  She's probably mid-40's and she's not trying to be rude, in fact I think she's trying to flatter me, but our conversation always goes like this: I buy beer/wine, she asks for my age, I tell her, and she says, "wow, really?  I would not have pegged you for that OLD." (maybe its her tone that conveys the offensive nature) Since when is 25 old?  I'm not really that offended, but it definitely got me thinking.  I guess you could say that I don't feel super fulfilled in my life.  I'm not where I thought I would be by now, even though I don't know where I expected to be, but I'm pretty sure 8-year-old me would have imagined that by 26 I would be married, own a house, maybe even have a child of my own - or at least a dog.  But I am no where near any of those things.  I don't know what my rush is - I am enjoying my life, I feel freedom that can only be felt when you are completely unattached.  But being completely unattached comes with the sting of loneliness that makes these dreary winters feel very long and cold.

I think more than my lack of milestones it is my lack of intelligence, insight, and direction that really get me down.  I am currently working through some cobwebs of my past, judging the way I was raised - not just by my parents, but the whole system (school, grades, incentives) - and I'm wondering if I am actually an intelligent person.  I got good grades through school, got scholarships, aced my first few semesters in nursing school which everyone said was improbable.  But do grades make you smart?  Most of the time I'm not sure that I can hold an intelligent conversation and although I love learning I can't parrot back the specific facts like some people, so how do I know if I'm actually learning?  Perhaps my fear comes from that quote "it is better to be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."  

But then you have to remember that there is another side to intelligence -  there's a certain level of insight that I long for.  Some people seem to be innately wise, meanwhile I am clamoring through books and articles trying to gain insight in the same way I attained my good grades through school... and then I get back to my argument of wondering if the way I was raised was really effective.  Finding the meaning of life through books opposed to actually living life.

stick with what you know, i suppose.

But then maybe, just maybe, once I get those first two steps under control than I can tackle my direction in life.  You'd think that since I'm already 3 years into a career that I might have some idea where I'd like to go with it, but I don't.  I don't even know if I want to be doing it any more.  I do love my job most days, but do I love it 30 years worth?  And I wonder if my time would be better spent pursuing these other strange interests that I have (ie working on a farm for a year) while I am completely unattached and save my love for nursing for later in life.  AND THEN I'm also wondering do I even want to get married?  I think I do, but is that just my upbringing and environment telling me that I must obtain the romantic love of another before age 30 or something must be wrong with me?  AND WHY just why am I basing so much of my future on someone who doesn't exist in my life yet.

I bought a self help book today.  there.  I admitted it.  I bought it online (of course.  why would I bother interacting with a human when I could get it delivered to my front door).  It should be here by Valentines Day, which to me has an amusing irony to it, so we'll see how it goes.  I need something to get me through the slump and back on my path of self discovery (or whatever you call growing up).