Thursday.  started in the usual fashion.  Garden then help Kate clean.  See, the thing is, that we may only be SCHEDULED for 4 shifts, but when you see your friends having to clean the whole hostel by themselves especially when they don’t feel well the little compassionate beings that we are can’t stand to watch that happen...  So even though we want nothing more to be in the garden we still choose to help our dearly cherished friends. 

We were all hoping to go camping tonight.  We’ve tried to camp a few times now and we keep waiting for the secret ingredient of mushrooms, but each time we think we’re close it never falls into place.  Which is fine.  Mushrooms have to happen under the right conditions and maybe the universe is telling us that now is not the time.  However, we did head into town to buy snacks and groceries just incase it did work out.  

The tensions are continuing to increase and todays tensions were soothed by music.  Ah, the healing properties of music... even when it’s coming out of a tiny speaker on my iPhone.  But in the spirit of Botan (Amu’s wife who always seems to have music coming from her pocket) I emanated healing tunes for most of the day. 

It actually rained for a few moments today.  It was so fantastic - especially after that rain dance we did.  This region needs rain so badly.  Not just Colorado but New Mexico too is having a record breaking summer - multiple days of triple digits and long stretches with no rain.  I swear it didn’t used to be like this growing up.  I remember 1 or 2 days of over 100, but never up to 106 like it was the other day in Denver - it’s scary.  But the rain and clouds created a very welcoming environment to get back in the garden.  Some guys were passing through town and were trying to stay for free so they were helping us weed the lower field.  We got to talking and one of them proclaimed he was a “breathaterian”.  What the fuck is that?  Well, it’s someone who only eats the fruit of plants where picking the fruit wont kill the plant.  And I guess the idea is to someday live off the “divine light and love that resides in all of us”.  Um, yeah.  I like eating.  a lot.  It’s a great pleasure of mine.  He predicts this is the way of the future - where evolution is headed.  Perhaps.  I can’t say for sure, but for right now, even if it means I am a less evolved human, I am going to continue to eat all delicious plants I can get my hands on - carrots, radishes, potatoes and all :)  I couldn’t really stand him very long so I excused myself to work on a project I started yesterday in the upper garden and enjoy some much needed alone time.  I guess not too long after I left he remarked on how “painful” it was for him to weed this garden and essentially kill all these innocent plants.  Barf.  I’m glad i was not there to hear that. 

Some days you just want a beer after a long day.  Today is that day.  All I wanted out of life was to have a nice cold beer and enjoy the sunset with some friends.  And you know what, some days you get exactly what you ask for.  I went and bought a couple six packs and we took a few with us to watch the sunset on the mesa by the gorge.  It was delightful.  The clouds from this afternoon refracted the light in the most amazing way making it one of the best I had seen here.  So incredible.  We did some yoga amongst the sage bushes and took about a million photos.  We were all in a great mood after this and many of us stayed up talking in the kitchen until about midnight.

Aw, how the animosity grows when living with a bunch of women... especially when we all sync up and PMS at the same time.  The joys of being a woman. Well, I’ll spare you the ins and outs but the gist of it is that no one thinks anyone else is doing their part, everyone thinks they work the hardest.  Including myself.  So, anyway, much of the day and energy is unfortunately spent bickering about this.

I start my day in the garden before I move inside to clean with Sara.  We also spend much of our time avoiding Subra.  He is always trying to embark his wisdom on us and somehow create an opportunity for young people to become responsible and find themselves.... Well, I’ve done found myself already - cross the country and back.  But... maybe some young 19 year old who stumbles through those doors will appreciate his riddled wisdoms.

Lunch was a salvaged version of 4 day old boyscout spaghetti. Brad is a wonderful cook around here and is getting quite good at repurposing left overs. Today was a fried/sauteed olive oil, herbs, garlic, deliciousness. 

In the heat of the day Jodi (the woman from Crestone) came by to teach up how to weave with plastic straws.  It was really cool.  We set up our little “loom” and before you know it I’m knitting a belt.  Or a headband. Or a bracelet.   We’ll see how far I get...

In the evening we do a sweat.  Yes, it is only Wednesday, but Grace and Kate are leaving this week and requested one before they depart.  It was a really beautiful ceremony.  Beautiful prayers and very woman focused.  So many blessings toward woman kind and mother nature.  It was really great.  Really intense, but really great. 

After the sweat i was surprisingly energized and for some reason I really did not want to shower so I asked everyone if they wanted to go to the hot springs.  I had never been so it felt like time.  Sara, Kenny, Ramone, Grace, Allison, Teagan and myself went - it was so incredible.  We drove down a long dirt road to an unmarked pull off in the gorge. We get out and hike down a fairly long and rocky hillside to the river.  The way the moonlight hits the walls of the gorge make them glow just enough so you can see the borders of the rocks. And you’ll never guess what lives there - FIREFLIES!! They’re different then the Southern fireflies, they move quicker and blink more rapidly, but they are without a doubt fireflies.   So beautiful. 

Well, I also crossed something new off my bucket list - skinny dipping.  Except that time I went swimming topless with Chris Thile, I had never truly been skinny dipping.  It was a little awkward.  Mostly because we were in mixed company and the guys wore their shorts, but it was nice in some ways too... freeing, I guess you’d say.  We were out pretty late, probably 1 or so.  The drive back was entertaining.  Like I mentioned before, Ramone was a stunt double for a while, so the drive home was him telling us stories of his wild days.  What a character.  Makes me realize how tame my life is and how I could stand to amp up the crazy every once in a while... as long as I avoid the dodging bullets and impregnating a woman part I think I’ll be fine ;)

Well, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  It started off a little rocky. Grace said she’d work the desk this morning but didn’t show up until 10 or so, so I was literally the only worker there.  Subra was here this morning too.  He is so condescending it’s angering.  But when he asked how things had been going I told him everything that I wrote about last night.  How it was misrepresented on the FARMING website and how I was so angry that I was tempted to leave right now and that it HAD to get better.  I pointed out the incongruences between how some workers clean and other don’t and how it has created a sense of a hierarchy.  I explained how my day goes and how it is, in fact, far more than 4 hours per day and why it is nearly impossible to spend any quality time in the garden.  He thought I was ridiculous for coming out and only staying for a month, but I told him that I intended to stay the entire season but that this was not what I signed up for and so I had to move on.  Over all he was fairly receptive to what I was saying although amazingly condescending throughout.  Throughout this conversation he discovers that I am 26 and a nurse.  Well then all of the sudden I’m “important” and he’s “thrilled to have me working here” - It just proves my point further that they are trying to take advantage of traveling 20 year old hippies who don’t have much choice or the confidence to stand up to him.

Well, anyway, he did call in Lisa and Hannah to help me clean the 26 beds.  Although I cleaned 2.5 rooms to their 1, but some help is better than no help.  And then I continued to clean the rest of the hostel for the remainder of the day.  I called it done by 2 or so and applied for yet another job.  I got a rejection letter from Denver Health today.  It’s discouraging because I thought the county hospital would be thrilled to have someone with my experience, but apparently the job market is tougher than I thought it was...

By late afternoon it’s cooling off and so I went into the garden to help weed and then plant summer squash and cucumbers.  I really enjoyed that.  Gardening is so meditative. 

Then I came inside and opened my computer.  I log onto Facebook only to see that Colorado Springs is burning down.  There has been a fire burning in Waldo Canyon since Saturday, and while they had evacuated a bunch of people, all the structures had been spared.  But this afternoon the fire crested the ridge and came into town.  I’ve been texting with Kate who says that the Flying W Ranch is gone.  Rockrimmon is now getting hit.  These are the most heart breaking photos I have ever seen.  This is my home - a place I love so dearly and it’s like watching a friend die.  Nothing to do, but sit and watch and pray.  I cried as I looked at the pictures and then rallied all my hippie hostel friends outside to do a rain dance. It was actually a really beautiful thing.  Probably 7 or 8 of us were out there jumping around like fools, screaming for RAIN IN COLORADO and hooping and hollering.  We then sat down and Om’d for about 5 minutes as a prayer to the Earth to heal herself.

I pray to God it works. 

Why is it that some people seem innately happy?  I’ve lived long enough to know that happiness is mostly a choice and like a muscle you have to exercise it.  But in some situations and with some people I just cannot seem to break through.  Time after time I still seem to approach them with a cold affect when really all they’re really lacking in life is love. I’m starting to fall into the mindset of “why does this become my problem?”  ... I’ve figured out how to save money/not do drugs/live responsible... why can’t they? When I have time to sit and think about it I can realize that we all have different obstacles to overcome and it’s everyones problem because we are all one human family and we all need to take care of each other...

But by god thats had to remember sometimes!

As for the last two days....

yesterday I helped the girls clean.  It wasn’t my shift, but I felt guilty for some reason and helped out.  I was also hungry and knew that we couldn’t leave for lunch until they were mostly finished.  We went to the Ashram in Taos again for lunch - it was delicious just like last time.  It is really starting to get hot out now, which I’m not a huge fan of.  I become very sluggish in the heat.  In all this heat I’m distraught over my home state that has 9 fires burning - one of which is encroaching on Mantiou and Colorado Springs enforcing an evacuation for some parts.  It makes me so sad to think of my lovely home place getting ruined. 

As we all learn acupuncture together the girls and I rotate turns on being the pin cushion and yesterday was my turn. It was a very lovely and very appreciated experience.  They massaged me, used aromatherapy, did acupuncture, a little energy work, and then cupping.  So cool.  So relaxing. 

Last night was also the long awaited sweat lodge.  I hadn’t done one since my arrival and I was itching to do it again.  Just like before it was really intense but really cool.  I made it through all 4 rounds, but barely.  It’s really intense by the end.  But the prayers that they were saying were really nice and rang very true for me.  It was much needed.  Grace is still house sitting and so she let me utilize his shower again so I could shave :)  ah, how I love that. The rest of the night was pretty chill.  We were going to watch a movie, but nobody moves very quickly around here and I got tired.

This morning I was woken up by Sara to co-treat this guy, Kenny with acupuncture.  They wanted to do it early because most of the staff is headed to Albuquerque today to see a spiritual healer.  We treated him, it went well.  I love acupuncture, but the massage part I find awkward.  Maybe it’s just because I know him, he’s young, and cute, and that makes me nervous... but I dunno.  It went well though.  

I feel like today has been really busy.  I hardly had time to change out of my pajamas. After the treatment I watered, then started to clean.  I cleaned until 1 or so when Grace, her sister and I went out to lunch in Taos.  I stopped by the post office to mail my lease and rent check (!!) and came back to to continue cleaning.  We then went out for ice cream, I applied for another job, and then an entire troop of boyscouts invaded the hostel.  I am now hiding out in my cabin and will perhaps go on my sunset walk in just a moment.  

I’m wondering about my happiness here.  I was loving it last week but now that Mouna is gone I’m wondering what my purpose is here. I’m not working in the garden.  I’m not learning from Mouna.  I hang out with a bunch of 20 year old girls (great women, but young, none the less) and clean up after very capable adults.  My sisters are coming this weekend, so that is helpful and then Mouna will get back the Wednesday after that... but then I’m hoping to leave that Friday... We’ll see if I last that long.  I’m starting to get really tired...

....

Well now I’m really pissed off.  Let me start by saying that I have been cleaning since 10:30 this morning.  It is now 10:00 at night and we just finished.  I had probably a total of 4 hours off spaced throughout the day, but otherwise a full day of work.  And guess who gets to do it all again tomorrow, and the next day?  Oh, and the whole group of boyscouts?  Yeah, they’re all checking out tomorrow.  Oh yeah, and it is only Grace and I running the WHOLE FUCKING HOSTEL.  Meaning we have to clean up after 20 pre-teen boys and their leaders - meaning 26 + beds, 9 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, and the common areas.  Not to mention all the dishes and laundry. 

And maybe it wouldn’t be that bad but the rest of the staff are in Albuquerque and the staff that did stay consider themselves above cleaning.  EVEN THOUGH I was told that the work exchange was for cleaning shifts, not for working in the garden. AND that if you stay in a cabin you have to do 4 clean shifts per week.  An obvious incongruence for the garden staff. 

I guess I’m mostly pissed because I came here to work in a garden.  I wasn’t told that the work exchange was for cleaning until I got here.  That sucks, but I rolled with it.  This experience kind of morphed into a learning from Mouna thing, which was great.  Except now she’s on vacation and I’m cleaning A LOT.  I haven’t been in the garden hardly at all it seems and when I am it’s to water or weed.  Not exactly the learning opportunity I was hoping for.  So, If I’m not in the garden and I’m not learning from Mouna then why am I here?  I don’t need practice cleaning toilets.  There’s a difference between being humble or flexible and being spineless and I feel like if I don’t speak up I will be walking dangerously close to the spineless line.  Subra gets back tomorrow and I think I will need to talk to him about this.  I hope for my sake and his that I can do so in a calm matter.  If he doesn’t take it well then I will leave.  If he is open to talking then hopefully I can stay past this weekend.

Well, last night before bed some people were going to do a sweat lodge at 5am.  I thought it sounded like a great idea so I set my alarm and dragged my body out of bed only to see that the fire wasn't even started yet.  I realize that people live heavily in the "ish" here so I set my alarm for an hour later with the same result.  Oh well,  it was kind of nice getting up early and lounging around until I had to get up for my desk shift at 8.

Sara, Kate and I - who seem to have formed an adventure squad - took off for Crestone, CO around noon when I was done on desk.  This woman who we met was breaking ground today on her spiritual goddess center and gave us a flier with directions incase we wanted to come.  Well, we went.  2 hrs 45 min drive to arrive in Crestone, which by the way, is an adorable little town.  We ate lunch at a delicious cafe and perused the "free box" where Sara scored a new dress.  We then drove around the Crestone area for over an hour trying to find this place. We called her, but her phone was off, and her directions were... a little vague at times. We were just about to give up, in fact trying to find the exit when we saw a human and as we pulled over we realized that we were at the described location all of the sudden.  We got out of the car and there was Jodi! She had been napping and no one else, besides her boyfriend, was there.  I felt a little awkward about it because it was a total surprise for her that we were there, but the other girls felt fine.  We got a quick tour and made ourselves comfortable under the wooden framework that looked like an inverted basket. This is her temple.  We sat together and made prayer ties - taking a piece of cloth, filling it with cedar/rose pedals/ and sage and also with our prayer for whatever was on our hearts.  Since it is a goddess temple a lot of our prayers were for woman kind and the like - it was a really beautiful ceremony.  We then took time to weave some pieces of cloth through the basket creating shelter, including our prayer ties and various other offerings, and before you knew it we had all created a beautiful temple.

By the end I was really glad we were there for her.  While she was praying she started to cry.  She is having a hard time between breaking up with her boyfriend and having a pre-teen daughter who is distant.  I was glad we could be there for her, maybe provide a little support when she would have otherwise been alone.  Makes you think we were called to go for a reason...

On the drive home we stopped in Alamosa to visit the San Luis Brewing Company.  I just happened to have that empty growler in my car from Asheville and so we stopped to fill it.  And you'll never believe, but some guy bought our growler for us.  He was just a nice guy in his 20s who told the bar tender he would buy our drinks, not realizing we were purchasing a growler which was obviously a "to-go" beverage.   But we thanked him and talked for a few minutes before continuing on our way.  We just thought it was hilarious that 2 outings in a row we had been gifted with free drinks.  I'm sure it's all the other two beautiful girls that I hang out with because this kind of thing never happens to me.  They just exude so much light and happiness that people are drawn to them.

We drove home safely, complete with engaging conversation.  Drank a beer and went to bed.  Another glorious adventure with the Snowmansion girls :)

I knew it would happen eventually - I’d get so wrapped up in all the excitement and not leave time to blog at the end of the night.  It’s a great feeling really, to be surrounded by so much fun all the time.

So yesterday I took it easy.  I was a little bit pissed after having to do dishes until 11p so I took the morning off and went into town.  I took my computer and got some work done- answered e-mails, paid some bills, called University as a follow up for placing my application, etc.   It felt good to actually have some time to be in my head and get stuff done for me, without having to sit in the lounge area feeling guilty for not doing dishes or engaging, or whatever.  I also partook in a bit of retail therapy and bought a cute skirt at the outfitters store.  While I was on the internet I saw that Edith was playing in Sante Fe that night - I thought they weren’t playing until July, so I was glad I happen to get on line that morning.  I brought it to the attention of the rest of the girls and a group of us decided to go.  I spent just a moment in the garden, ate some lunch, and did an acupuncture treatment on one of Mouna’s patients and then we left!  Kate, Grace, Sara and I drove down and ate dinner while they played at the Cowgirl.  It was so much fun to see them - weird of course to be on the other side, but fun.  It made me miss playing, but it also made me a little glad that I’m not moving back to Colorado Springs...

Grace and Teagan decided to stay with some guy that sat down at our table.  I didn’t get a good vibe from him.  He was pretty much the epitome of what pisses me off about 20-something men.  He’s cute, he knows it, he’s not interesting to talk to and he doesn’t try to engage you in anyway, and yet he expect you to fawn over him because he’s pretty and has a penis.  Maybe it would have worked on me a few years ago, but I’m far too jaded these days to fall for a trick like that.  But the girls were safe and they had fun and that’s what matters.

We also met this riot of a woman named Elisia. She was a lesbian, probably about 40 or so and she was so funny.  Now she was interesting to talk to, and tried to engage us... she was also a woman and wasn’t really doing it for me, but hilarious none the less.  For whatever reason she wanted to take Kate’s photo and so she plopped down $40 in exchange to “buy us all a round” which morphed into “flask money”.  She then continued to lecture us on how we all need to have a flask on us at all times.  How we need to be more wild in our 20’s and “we should be riding all the dick we can” ... it just went on and on.  I liked her. 

Anyway, after dancing to Stove and hanging out with the band for a little while we hit the road and were home by 2a.

Seeing as it was a late night I chose to sleep until 9:30, at which point it was too hot in my cabin to sleep any longer.  I made it out into the garden for a while and weeded some more land in the lower field with a guy named Kenny.  He comes and works on the land every once in a while when he comes to get treatments from Mouna.  He owns  some of his own land in Colorado, mostly to grow weed on, but also to sustain himself.  Kenny is a 20-something, ex-marine, farmer, activist, and incredibly interesting to talk to.  The time just flew by even though it was hot and dry.  He actually stayed to get more treatments from Mouna, but Mouna didn’t tell him that she was going out of town.  So he stayed and let us work on him.  It was so cool.  I suppose it was a little awkward.  We had spent the afternoon practicing on each other, but this was our first “real patient” without Mouna there and the awkwardness was heightened by the fact that his is a good looking 20-something year old man and he is naked laying face down and we are rubbing him down with oils.  But I got over that and it felt so easy and natural to put the needles in.  I really enjoy it.   As payment Kenny made us all delicious chili over the fire complete with toppings and beer - delicious meal.  

In the garden this evening we planted all of the summer squash.  I believe the goal was to have all the planting done by the solstice, which was yesterday, but I think we’re getting close.  I loved planting the squash.  It’s so meditative and it looks so beautiful when it’s all done.  Kate and I also partook in some sunset yoga again - i love that <3

isn’t it funny how your intention for coming to a place can change and evolve? I thought I was coming here to work in the garden and learn about sustainability... which I’d still love to learn more about, but each day that goes by I realize that maybe I have come here to learn from Mouna.  As scatter-brained and crazy as she may appear she is such a kind soul and a powerful healer - not to mention a wealth of information. 

I started my day per usual in the garden watering followed by a clean shift followed by lunch.  After lunch Sara, Tom, Grace and I went for an adventure to the Ski Valley to find a hike.  We were a little strapped for time so we just went up for 45 min and back down.  It was beautiful but rigorous.  I’m still blaming it on the fact that I don’t have my high altitude lungs back, but really I’m probably just out of shape.  I’m also embarrassingly sore today from the wiffle ball game yesterday. We made it back in time to hit up Sols grocery for a banana popsicle and apple snack before Mouna’s class.

Mouna’s class was awesome today.  We met at 4p when she had another acupuncture patient coming.  We had time before hand to discuss some more about yin/yong and damp/dry before we went in for the treatment.  Today it was just Sara and I and we are both feeling much more confident with the idea of acupuncture. In fact we both left this class feeling overwhelmingly inspired - enough so that we are both considering changing our career paths to encompass Chinese Medicine.  How cool would it to be a Family Nurse Practitioner that utilizes both Western medicine and Chinese modalities?  It would be a way to integrate everything that I want out of my career - establishing relationships, integrating nutrition and healthy lifestyles, acting as a clear voice to integrate both sides of the spectrum in a logical but artful way, and have the ability to truly help and heal people.  After the class we both went into the garden to weed for a bit and while weeding I slipped into a meditation and I got a very clear vision of my future. I saw myself married to an awesome man and we had some children together.  I was established in my career but wanted to study acupuncture in China for 6 weeks and because my husband was awesome he said “yes! go! I can take care of the kids.  You need to do this. We’ll be just fine”  and so I went. I guess we’ll see how it all plays out...

The sunset of course was beautiful so I honored it by having a short yoga practice in the grass before dark.  It was amazing - i need to do that more often.  The weather tonight was a little spooky and I think the wind somehow knocked our power off so the whole hostel was in the dark.  It was kinda fun though because Sara and I sat in the dark as we ate our dinner and continue our very stimulating conversations about our past and future.  Sara is great, by the way.  She goes to school at Warren Wilson outside of Asheville so we have that in common, but besides that she is just a very sweet soul - inclusive and optimistic and interesting to talk to.  She is definitely the closest friend that I’ve made here. 

Well, because everyone else ran off for the evening it was only Sara, Kate and I left to clean up the entire hostel.  Everyone had left all their dishes out and laundry hadn’t been folded.  We cleaned for 2 hours probably.  That is the part that is frustrating - I spend so much time cleaning up after other people that I don’t get to do what i want to do and then it gets to be 11pm and I realize that I have been going non-stop since 7a and never got a chance to sit and relax for a moment.  But alas, it is 11:40 and I am crawling into bed excited that I don’t have to clean tomorrow :)

Tournament day.  Emily has been amping up for this Arroyo Seco wiffle ball tournament for over a week now and today is the big day.  

I started off in the garden today, watering and transplanting my fighting little cabbages.  I had another clean shift today only today I was cleaning by myself.  Here’s what I’m currently thinking:  This experience is far less garden time and excessively more cleaning up after people than I originally anticipated which is what is causing my episodes of discontent with this place.  But anyway... 

After lunch we went to Mouna’s for another acupuncture lesson.  Today was on a man and wife and it went much smoother.  I’m really enjoying learning this! We then took 20 min to make “3 min cornbread” and continued to prepare the food and field for tonight’s big game.  I love how everything is made from scratch here.... well everything except the tortilla chips, but that’s more for convenience than lack of ability I’m sure.  We even made our own bean dip.  There just happened to be some cooked pinto beans, we blended some onion and garlic with salt, pepper and green chillies and just like that you’ve got the most delicious bean dip ever.  The rest of the food was equally as gourmet.  I’m not sure any other baseball/softball/ or wiffle ball game any where in the country had better food then us that night.  Botan made pad-thai noodles, there was bbq’d chicken, a spinach salad, cabbage salad, salsa... mmm, dang good.

The game maybe wasn’t as good, although I had a blast. Our team name was “The Diggers” even though the rest of the town thought of us as “the hippies”.  Tonight we were playing “The Artists”. The atmosphere was fun - Emily and Tido had assembled a baseball music playlist that they blasted across the garden.  There was a tent set up with benches and chairs and coolers upon coolers full of beer.  

I played second base for the whole game and we alternated girl/boy batting.  I hit a few, got out a few times, and made a few good plays.  I was really disappointed and embarrassed to be a part of my team by about half way though.  Tido was taking this far too seriously.  Talking trash and bullying the other team.  It’s one thing to do it in jest, but its another to make personal attacks during a WIFFLE BALL game.  The final eruption was Tido actually slamming their female pitcher to the ground by her hair... Tido was obviously asked to leave the game and from the sounds of it his reputation in this very small town is ruined for a good long while.  That was really stupid.

But after many sincere apologies we got back to the game and had a mediocre inning. The final score was Artists- 7, Gardeners- 6.  Since we were playing The Artists, one of them created a ceramic trophy that looked awesome.  I love creative people :)  

After all that excitement some of the girls wanted to go out for an adventure!  We were all craving ice cream so Ramone and his kids and 3 of us girls piled into his car to make it to Baskin and Robins before it closed.  The perfect way to heal a wounded spirit after a defeated ball game :)

I’ve been here over a week now and I feel like I’m starting to get it. I’m learning the rhythm and the flow of the place and it’s really starting to be a lot of fun.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s a fair amount of bullshit that goes on that I internally roll my eyes at, but for the most part I’m really growing fond of the place.

I started off in the garden today weeding my baby brassica beds and transplanting some of the plants deeper.  I was on cleaning crew today with Grace and we knocked it out by lunch.  Lunch was awesome by the way - elk brisket, potato salad, and green salad.  mm. I’m really feeling a change in my body from eating so well.  After that heavy mexican food meal we had the other night my belly was not thrilled with me.  I feel much better today being back on my mostly green salad diet.  I took Mouna a salad for lunch today and I swear, without fail, we always get scolded on the proper ways to make a green salad.  “No stems!” “smaller pieces!” “no bug eaten leaves!” and of course none of us were actually the ones to make the salad so we just nod in agreement. But that’s how it is here - people just correct the first person they see after they notice something wrong.  They don’t care if you had anything to do with it, but the fact that you were in the vicinity makes you guilty by proximity or something.

Sara, Kate and I went on a nice walk up the road.  Apparently there is yet another ashram in Arroyo Seco that we set out to find.  We went for probably 2 miles at least and hadn’t found it so we stepped off into the woods to meditate in silence for a few moments.  We were greeted by a very friendly dog and encountered some eager horses on the way back.  Such a beautiful day for a walk, and it felt good to move like that.

We got back just in time for Mouna’s class.  Today’s class was a crash course in acupuncture... read: I performed acupuncture on some random stranger today. Mouna took us into her back room, showed us how to hold the needle (“the hardest part of acupuncture is holding the needle right”) and then had us tiptoe into the treatment room where the patient was laying face down.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t tell him she was letting “students” help her because she did not want us making a peep.  But she’d point to where she wanted us to stick the needle and then we would poke, each taking a turn. It was wild. I can’t believe she let us just do it.  Just like that. I guess she wants us to do it again tomorrow. I wouldn’t mind... I’ve been missing working with patients lately and excited to get back to work.

I find it amusing that she is so nonchalant with something like sticking needles into people to heal them but when it comes to the specifics of making a green salad you can’t win.

I waited for it to get a little cooler before I went back outside to the garden to continue my weeding/transplanting task.  It’s really great to see it start to look better already.  i learned that they planted 800 brassica plants this year, but there are only room for 300 or so in the garden at a time - at least I have plenty of room for error if need be.

Emily and Tido rolled up around 8 or so and rallied a batting practice for the wiffle ball tournament tomorrow.  Sounds like a big deal - there are a couple teams and hot dogs and maybe even a trophy... I don’t know, but I’m excited.  Summer doesn’t feel complete without at least one rousing game of softball.  

dinner. shower. bed. 

phew! busy day for someone who doesn’t have a schedule to tend to.

ah, the joys of sleeping in.  I did not roll out of bed until 9am and it was glorious.  It was one of those days where your dream carries you through the day.  I had such a lovely dream last night about being in love with a wonderful man and changing Emily’s future baby’s diaper.  Weird, I know, but the feeling of being in love overwhelmed me and stayed with me all day long. I thought about going on a hike this morning, but by the time I got up and ate breakfast there wasn’t much time before the girls were going to leave for the Ashram in Taos for lunch.  Apparently every Sunday this ashram provides a free delicious meal for the community and anyone who shows up.  Really good Indian food in an amazing atmosphere.  They have beautiful flower gardens and a shady landscape that provides for a comfortable lounging environment.  They also have peacocks roaming around which just ads to the allure. A few of us from the hostel went together and we attracted a few more people to join our conversation - interesting characters (ie one named Monkey who spoke very seriously on specific kinds of UFOs and aliens).  Ah yes, welcome to New Mexico.  We very eloquently and very quickly packed up and left.

We tried to bum around Taos but most stores were closed so we came home and called our dads for Fathers Day.  

I went to go tend to my cabbage beds for a short moment but my stomach was still aching from the Mexican food last night so I took it easy.  Some really great guests cooked us dinner from some zucchini they brought from their garden.  It was really good.  The evening wound down and someone started a fire that we gathered around and listened to a very talented girl play some music and I was taken aback that this is my life.  Standing in such a beautiful space, surrounded by beautiful people that were radiating love and knowing that tomorrow I get to wake up and and do it all over again.

I love my life.

after the glorious start to my day of shaving my legs I came back to the hostel to work my first ever front desk shift.  It went well despite the quick and dirty training session last night.  It has helped me to understand this place as a hostel business and not just a garden with some guests.  I can see now that it has a good reputation and that people really enjoy coming here and that helps to instill some pride in what I’m doing. 

I was thankful to be done with the shift by noon because the girls were headed to Espanola to attend some summer solstice Kundalini yoga peace walk organized by an ashram. It sounded really intriguing so I went.  The experience as a whole was great, the peace walk part was a little weird, but what do you expect.  First off we got lost and wound up at the actual ashram, which was really kind of cool.  Then we had to back track a minute and go 8 miles down a very bumpy dirt road to this totally random huge tent/event center in the middle of the desert. The energy of the place was really good - everyone was really “blissed out” as Sara would say.  But we were all fairly unanimous that the concept of the organized religion feel of it - the Sek religion - was a little weird.  They all were wearing white with turbans and lots of chanting and singing and canned music.  Maybe we would have been more into it if we’d been there from the beginning, but we kinda just showed up and started on this peace walk with out any comprehension of the meaning behind it.  But they had some Native American drummers and traditional spiritual practices going on and they blessed us as we walked through a pool of water which was the most authentic part of the whole deal. 

I became famished all of the sudden so we loaded back in the car and drove back the 8 miles to Espanola. The drive was beautiful.  The way the light was spilling across the valley as it set behind the mountains was incredible. I’m really starting to fall in love with this place.  Dinner was Mexican food, per my request.  I hadn’t had good Mexican food in a while and was seriously craving it.  It was delicious and we split a pitcher of Sangria to boot. 

an hour drive back and then straight to bed.

What a weird ass place.  I mean,  yesterday when I blogged I was feeling better about things.  Then I went on a long walk in the dark with two of the girls and I was back to feeling discouraged. It feels cliquey.  It feels like people try to create their own superiority due to seniority and walk with a little cock in their step because of it. So I went to bed brainstorming ideas on what I could do for the next month while I wait on my apartment.

But then I woke up and everything was grand again.  We had a garden meeting run by Emily, the garden manager.  I have the utmost respect for her, by the way.  Just a solid woman and a solid leader - says it like it is without offending anyone.  And she just aired out all the dirty laundry, so to speak.  Even though I was new I could feel that other girls were feeling some of the same frustrations that I was with disorganization, cliques, and lack of defined tasks. So she made us a list of responsibilities that we can each embrace. I adopted the brassicas. They call me the "brassica babe" :)  I'm super excited about that - I really want to dive in and research and nurture those little plants to be happy and healthy.

This was also a weird time day.  I mentioned before how elastic time is here and I really fell into the vortex today.  I was helping clean today and so I took a bowl of leftover oats to Mouna's house to put in her fridge.  Well, she saw me and said "oh well I guess we better make a cake.  Wanna see how fast you can make a cake?"  And 2 hours later, after baking a cake, basting some chicken, steaming some greens, and doing her dishes I finally walked out of there not realizing it was 1:30. She then sucked me back in to watch part of Democracy Now with her.  She DVRs it and pauses it to discuss the hot topics with me.  She knows her shit, that's for sure.

We had class again today.  She spoke on the beginnings of hot/cold/damp/dry which is still way over my head, but interesting none-the-less. Today I finally realized why everyone loves Mouna so much.  She is such a sweet soul with so much on her plate and yet her door is literally always open.

In the evening I was juggling getting trained on the front desk and hanging out because I was having a great time.  I wandered over to the garden at one point to dig up and replant some of the cabbages only to get pulled into Mouna's vortex on the way to watch her make a parasite herbal mixture. Amu's wife, Botan is from Thailand and apparently every Friday and Saturday night she makes delicious Thai noodle soup for $5 - it was amazing.  Best $5 I've spent in a while. Tons of people from town came in for the soup too, so the place was hopping.  We ate our soup over conversation about prairie dog fishin' (laying a lasso around a prairie dog hole and grabbing them as they come up) and stories from Ramone's stunt double days.  He has done stunts for everyone, apparently.  Worked for Quentin Tarantino and doubled for Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert Duvall and all kinds of people.  Super interesting guy with great stories.  Also, a side note, I guess a few weeks ago J.C. Chavez's (from NSync back in the 90s) mom stayed here. This place attracts some of the strangest, coolest people.

It was another beautiful sunset tonight so I went on a walk with Teagan down the road to try our best to capture it with our cameras. I think I'd like to make it a thing to go on a walk every night at sunset- New Mexico has amazing sunsets...

After a long chat with my mom trying to explain the strangeness of the place and why I had a defeated tone of voice last time we spoke I met back up with the girls who were headed out for the night.  Grace is house sitting for some guy down the road who has ice cream in his freezer and a pet lamb so we decided to have an ultimate girls night/slumber party!  It took forever to find the place because the directions were clear as mud. We drove up and down this dark dirt road 5 times, looking like total creepers as we roll slowly pass windows trying to decipher if Grace was inside. We even went as far as to tip toe up to a house that we assumed was it only to get freaked out when we read the word "patrol" on the front door and ran away giggling. What girls. Turns out that was the right house and it was a decorative sign for a ski patrol. We drank beer and talked until really late and it was a ton of fun.  Really great group of girls - smart, interesting, funny.  I'm really glad I went.

The icing on the cake was waking up in the morning and taking a long hot shower in his spacious tub and shaving my legs - ah, the simple pleasures in life.

today was so much better.  I woke up and felt like I belonged here, like I understood the rhythm and the people.  It helped that Subra left yesterday for 10 days and I feel like the negative energy left with him. I hope I can get settled and more confident in my surroundings by the time he gets back and then I can survive for a few more weeks.

I'm settled into a 9 month lease in Denver with Cahalen's friend Ariel, so I guess that's what's next.  Just have to wait on the job situation to pan out.

This morning I woke up early and went straight to the garden.  We spent the first few hours organizing and cleaning up.  That felt good.  The whole place feels a bit cluttered and my mind can't function very well in a disorganized space.  I then worked the rest of the morning tilling the soil of the lower bed to create 2 more rows for corn.  That was hard work - a full body work out.  Despite the sunscreen I still got sunburned, and it's blotchy so it hurts and it looks funny :(  I suppose that's inevitable when you're working in the desert.

Lunch today was lovely.  Brad made a delicious kitchari (Indian lentil dish) and a salad.  I hung out for a minute inside to digest and then attended Muna's class.  She's nuts, man.  I mean, she's great, but super nuts. She is so distractible that she will stop talking in the middle of a word and change topics completely.  So today she spoke on "the beginning", which was essentially the big bang theory.  And we spoke on making herbal baths and analyzing a radial pulse.  She is smart and has a lot to share, but not always the most effective ways of teaching it.  I'm just trying to listen and gain what I can, taking most things with a grain of salt.  I really enjoy the concepts of Ayurveda medicine and the other girls and I have been sitting together and discussing what we know and teaching each other.

After a while we wound up back in the garden.  I followed Muna around for a while, but I can only handle her for so long so I retreated down to the lower field to finish my corn rows. I was pretty beat and felt disgusting so I bathed and laid low for the rest of the evening.

I'm feeling so much better about this place today.  I hope this can continue for a while and maybe then I can make it to my goal of 1 month... one day at a time is all I can promise right now though.

hmm what a strange day.  The beginning of the day had bad energy.  I'm not having nearly as much fun as I thought I would.  It's not even as much work as I thought it would be and yet I can't seem to relax.  By lunch time today I was seriously thinking about packing my bags right now and leaving. I convinced myself to at least stay for a week and my mind had already started to devise plans on where I could live next.  I'm tired of being treated like I'm some 19 year old college student with no direction in life. I was berated by Subra today as we discussed the schedule and when I saw I had 5 cleaning shifts I mentioned that my main purpose for being here was for the garden - which I have spent hardly any time in thus far. He then told me that the work exchange was for cleaning and that working in the garden was out of the goodness of my heart.  WTF, really?  I found this garden through the WWOOFer site.  Then he so passively aggressively was talking to some other girls while I was standing there and said that "we work our way up from the dorms into the cabins, that we don't just show up and take a cabin - we have to earn it".  again, I say WTF. I was told to take that cabin by Muna - the boss.  I was doing what I was told, I didn't realize the hierarchy of the system and I certainly didn't mean to step on any toes.  He was then using that as leverage to convince me I needed to work more cleaning shifts.  It's crap.  Some people get such a high off being in charge.

Well, after I cleaned all morning and ate lunch we tried to hunt Muna down for our class at 2p. Well, this "class" consisted of standing in her apothecary looking at dried herbs, putting them in bags and then sweeping for her. She then took us out for a "yoga class" in which we sat in the grass on our hands and knees and moved our legs around for 10 minutes. I then saw that the other girls were back in the garden and so i joined them and the evening got increasingly better from there.

We planted a bunch of brassicas this evening. Muna apparently spokes pot after she cares for her grandkids all day and it makes her SUPER manic. So she ran out into the garden and flipped out about everything ridiculous. She decided that some of the cabbage had too many bugs and just started ripping it out and then she bounced around from place to place grabbing plants out of our hands and shoving them in the ground, changing her mind 8 times and contradicting her self.  Not that much different from normal life, but crazy none the less.  I hate tip toeing around people's personality disorders. It was still fun though because everyone was in the same boat of just trying to stay out of the way and laughing about it.  It made me feel much better to realize that I wasn't alone in thinking that she's nuts.

We came in from dinner and ate some rice and beans with a delicious salad.  I popped my growler open that I brought from Asheville and we had nice conversation for a while.  I think I'll head to bed early in hopes that I can get up early enough to get a good day in the garden before I have to clean.

I sometimes have to remind myself that I am adult here.  That I am a well educated, responsible, worthy individual.  Perhaps it's just the population that typically strolls through this place, but some of the main stays can be fairly condescending.  I'm sure it is frustrating to constantly be training new people and never know who you are going to get, but that's what happens when you build a transient community garden/hostel... ya know?

But despite that it was a pretty good day today.  Got up early to try to catch class, but she was sleeping... again.  I think tomorrow we've decided on an afternoon time slot - get out the hot sun and not have to get up as early!  So instead I went into the garden to weed for a bit. Today was another cleaning day for me, so I spent the bulk of the morning cleaning with Grace and then got roped into making the green salad again.  Lunch was fantastic. Stir fry, rice, sweet potato fries, radish green salad with dressing, and a small piece of elk meat. Delicious. I guess the girls raided the dumpster down the road and scored a bunch of really good produce that then became our lunch.  Definitely did not expect to eat from a dumpster today, but its just part of the adventure. After lunch I finally got to get back in the garden which is really where I want to be.  I planted carrot seeds in a zig zag fashion and prepared some beds for transplanting cabbage.  It clouded up a bit so we decided to plant some corn down in the lower field and it started to rain.  Then it started to hail.  Lisa and I took cover in the green house until it stopped.  After the rain it seemed like a perfect time to bathe, which seems to be a rare opportunity here, so I embraced it.

At one point this morning I stopped by Muna's house and she invited me in and read me my star chart.  It was interesting.  Apparently I'm a Pieces. huh. I thought it was interesting.  She's convinced that I am set with money for the rest of my life and that I will have a very strong career that might even make me famous (famous nurses?!).  She did peg my dad's personality and roll and my life spot on though, so that was cool.  She also told me that I am courageous and to not date any more musicians :)  noted.  Looking at my palm I am to have a long life and and strong career.

All this talk of career's got me thinking it could be a good day to apply for a job.  It just so happened that a wonderful position was open at University Hospital in Denver in their Emergency Department was posted, so I thought, what the hell.  Put it into the universe and see what happens, right?

I'm ready to hit the hay. I wound up helping Muna for a couple hours in the evening - its exhausting trying to keep up with her train of thought and figure out what it is she actually wants you to do.  She's one of those people who you're not sure if she's absolutely fucking nuts or a genius.

Time is different here. It moves slower, meandering through the day with no check points for reference of time. I woke up early this morning because I was told Muna does classes in the mornings, but she wasn't around so I went to the garden and started watering and weeding. I was pulled out of the garden to clean for a while and then somehow corralled into the kitchen as a sue chef for our amazing gourmet lunch.  The salad was so fresh there was still a caterpillar in it :)  yum.

After lunch I was asked to help a friend of the garden, Tido, with his personal garden up the road.  Me and one other guy went and helped him plant his flower seeds. It was a beautiful day, I really see the beauty here.  We are right up against the mountains but looking out to the west is vast open range with plateaus and mesa's in the distance.  Although the soil is really dry and dusty, it's greener here than I thought it would be. A fair amount of trees and small creeks that they diverge into their irrigation system help to keep things more lush.

I followed Muna around for awhile and worked with some compost and flowering beds. My allergies are starting to hit me so constantly having my head down is a bit uncomfortable. She told me I should move into a cabin tonight.  At first I was apprehensive because it would withdraw me further from the group, but having a little space for myself to spread out a bit and not have to be so paranoid about waking someone up or making sure everything I need is out before the lights are out or whatever will be really nice.  Especially if I plan on staying for a little while.

Which speaking of, my original idea was to stay the entire season and move back to Denver come fall, but the last day and a half has convinced me that perhaps a month is all I need... and even that will be plenty of time. Not that it's not lovely here, the people are definitely friendly and it's beautiful... but... it's just different. Hard to articulate right now.  And it turns out that I might have a pretty perfect living situation presenting itself in Denver for half way through July, so that's a good enough excuse to make an exit.

So here I am on day two, I feel like I've here a week and I'm starting to get settled. I think I will go enjoy the quite and privacy of my new digs :)

Arroyo Seco, New Mexico

Welcome to Arroyo Seco, New Mexico.  I am at the Abominable Snow Mansion Hostel  at the base of Taos Ski Valley.  I have come for the time being to work in the garden and learn from a woman named Muna. It will be an experience, without a doubt.

I drive up today and am greeted by a lovely and beautiful hippie named Kate.  She takes a moment to find Muna and introduces us.  I am given a tour of the grounds and yet I still felt lost.  It's a Sunday, which in the garden is meant to be a day of rest.  Most people are just hanging out, laying in the sun, painting, whatever.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  I don't know anyone, I don't know what's expected, so I wander around awkwardly and aimlessly for a bit.  I check out the town, which doesn't take long but it's really quite cute.  Artsy and quirky. I'm starting to fall into the rhythm.

The day progresses and I enjoy the energy and attitude of the community.  I'm already learning some of the quirks and personalities that will need to be negotiated around, but that's part of the fun.

Not much is planned around here. You do what you want, when you want to.  But one thing that was planned was a sweat lodge for tonight.  The girls are so kind and welcoming and were so excited for me as a sweat lodge being a great initiation for my first day at the Snow Mansion.  I was excited too.  I wanted to do one in Asheville, but never got a chance.  It was so intense.

This sweat lodge is of the Cheyenne tradition - the door faces North.  Our leader was named Ramone and he learned this tradition from his Aunt.  He started a fire over a bunch of large rocks at 5:30 so the rocks were really hot by 8ish when we started.  We all filed in, in a clock-wise fashion and sat as they brought the rocks in and placed them each with deer antlers and sprinkled cedar on top.  We eat drank water out of a giant wooden ladle and then Ramone started to pray and pour ladle fulls on the rocks to make them exhale a hiss of steam. He prays the nicest prayer, creates a tangible energy and then begins chanting in the language of the Cheyenne.  There are 4 rounds to a sweat lodge- each one getting progressively more intense as they bring in more fresh hot rocks.  Each round a new person prays and sprays water with sage.   It was so incredible. By the time the third and forth rounds came I am in a completely meditative state, hardly listening to the prayer.  I'm swaying back and forth and only trying to breathe. It's so hot that my nostrils burn a little and my lungs are afraid to inhale completely.  Dripping and soaked I give into my yearning for cool air and step out.  Wow, that was intense.  I sit on a bench and feel my pulse return to normal as my body cools.  A hot shower and bed is all that's left for a pretty incredible first day.

and there it is. there's the sadness. wow, like a ton of bricks there it is.

as i drove into Denver from the East my stomach sunk a little.  there is so much concrete here.  why didn't I remember all the concrete? It is dry and brown and the city is so sprawling. why did i have to leave my little mountain utopia where everything is green and lush and you can be in the country in 20 minutes?  Are roots and family really worth giving all of that up?  Was it just homesickness that could have been patched with a plane ticket home?  all of the sudden i feel like I just jumped into this without hardly thinking, or talking it through.  I feel like it was assumed that i would move back and so before i got too comfortable I did.  just because that's what i was supposed to do.  i wish i had someone who was non-biased.  i felt like anyone i talked to already had their mind made up as to what they wanted me to do. but Asheville was the very first thing I did only because I wanted to do it.  and i gave that up because everyone else that i care about wanted me to move home.

fuck what did i do?

maybe i'll have a clearer mind in the morning. when it stops raining and lightening. maybe when i see the mountains.  maybe then i will remember why i wanted to leave.  i was lonely as hell. the people weren't as friendly as they let on. i don't fit in in the south. or the east. it was so very far from home and my people. i wouldn't allow myself to settle in.

but being here i feel uncomfortable.  i feel fat. too big in general, really.

i need to remember i am not moving back in with my parents. i am staying here for exactly 3 days and then i will be heading to new mexico.  god bless new mexico.  i need that.

everything happens for a reason. i need to breathe into this situation and it will work itself out.  there was a reason the idea to move came into my head in the first place.  this will all be okay.

well, here I am.  Not quite there but too far to turn back.  I'm tired and maybe a little anxious, but sadness isn't ranked as one of my top emotions are the moment.


I love Asheville.  I am so glad that I went and did what I needed to do.  Become who I wanted to become.  But it was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever done, so in that respect I am not sad that it is over.  It is much easier to be surrounded by those you love in a place that is familiar and feel completely content with your life.  It is much harder to remove yourself from all of those things and achieve the same result.  I have learned so much about myself and this country from this move.  I'm not sure that I am even able to vocalize what I've learned quite yet.  Perhaps it will unveil itself over time and will be stronger for it.  I do know that I have a stronger since of SELF now than I did 18 months ago.  I have developed my thoughts and beliefs further than I believe I could have in the comfort of familiar surroundings.  I, ironically, feel a stronger since of family as well.  A quote from a book I am listening to as I travel cross country reads "“Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.” (Through Painted Deserts).  I must admit, I am very excited to rediscover my home state.  I lived there for 24 years and yet I had to leave to realize that it's a pretty great.  I had to leave to realize that you get out of a place what you put in and that it's not necessarily the PLACE but the PEOPLE who really make a place a home (although it doesn't hurt to be surrounded by intense natural beauty).  And as much as it scares me to say this, I feel like my vagabond years are winding down.  I'm feeling a desire to settle into a place so I can find my people and build a solid community... that's what it's all about anyway.  


After, of course, I garden for the summer down in New Mexico.


Coming home I am a little nervous about reintegrating into my family.  I have developed into myself for the past year and a half and I guess a part of me is nervous that I will lose some of my hard work once my family gets involved again.  Namely my mother.  It will be a true test of self as I learn to stay true to myself and perhaps have to say No or possibly disappoint her.  But at least I won't have to spend Thanksgiving alone this year...


I'm sure there will be further reflections on my time spent in Asheville, but my state of mind right now is both "Wow, I can't believe it's over" and "it kind of feels like a dream".  Perhaps as reality sinks in I will have some more profound thoughts on the topic.


Until then... get me the hell out of Kansas - I'm sick of this place :)