well, here I am.  Not quite there but too far to turn back.  I'm tired and maybe a little anxious, but sadness isn't ranked as one of my top emotions are the moment.


I love Asheville.  I am so glad that I went and did what I needed to do.  Become who I wanted to become.  But it was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever done, so in that respect I am not sad that it is over.  It is much easier to be surrounded by those you love in a place that is familiar and feel completely content with your life.  It is much harder to remove yourself from all of those things and achieve the same result.  I have learned so much about myself and this country from this move.  I'm not sure that I am even able to vocalize what I've learned quite yet.  Perhaps it will unveil itself over time and will be stronger for it.  I do know that I have a stronger since of SELF now than I did 18 months ago.  I have developed my thoughts and beliefs further than I believe I could have in the comfort of familiar surroundings.  I, ironically, feel a stronger since of family as well.  A quote from a book I am listening to as I travel cross country reads "“Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.” (Through Painted Deserts).  I must admit, I am very excited to rediscover my home state.  I lived there for 24 years and yet I had to leave to realize that it's a pretty great.  I had to leave to realize that you get out of a place what you put in and that it's not necessarily the PLACE but the PEOPLE who really make a place a home (although it doesn't hurt to be surrounded by intense natural beauty).  And as much as it scares me to say this, I feel like my vagabond years are winding down.  I'm feeling a desire to settle into a place so I can find my people and build a solid community... that's what it's all about anyway.  


After, of course, I garden for the summer down in New Mexico.


Coming home I am a little nervous about reintegrating into my family.  I have developed into myself for the past year and a half and I guess a part of me is nervous that I will lose some of my hard work once my family gets involved again.  Namely my mother.  It will be a true test of self as I learn to stay true to myself and perhaps have to say No or possibly disappoint her.  But at least I won't have to spend Thanksgiving alone this year...


I'm sure there will be further reflections on my time spent in Asheville, but my state of mind right now is both "Wow, I can't believe it's over" and "it kind of feels like a dream".  Perhaps as reality sinks in I will have some more profound thoughts on the topic.


Until then... get me the hell out of Kansas - I'm sick of this place :)