and there it is. there's the sadness. wow, like a ton of bricks there it is.

as i drove into Denver from the East my stomach sunk a little.  there is so much concrete here.  why didn't I remember all the concrete? It is dry and brown and the city is so sprawling. why did i have to leave my little mountain utopia where everything is green and lush and you can be in the country in 20 minutes?  Are roots and family really worth giving all of that up?  Was it just homesickness that could have been patched with a plane ticket home?  all of the sudden i feel like I just jumped into this without hardly thinking, or talking it through.  I feel like it was assumed that i would move back and so before i got too comfortable I did.  just because that's what i was supposed to do.  i wish i had someone who was non-biased.  i felt like anyone i talked to already had their mind made up as to what they wanted me to do. but Asheville was the very first thing I did only because I wanted to do it.  and i gave that up because everyone else that i care about wanted me to move home.

fuck what did i do?

maybe i'll have a clearer mind in the morning. when it stops raining and lightening. maybe when i see the mountains.  maybe then i will remember why i wanted to leave.  i was lonely as hell. the people weren't as friendly as they let on. i don't fit in in the south. or the east. it was so very far from home and my people. i wouldn't allow myself to settle in.

but being here i feel uncomfortable.  i feel fat. too big in general, really.

i need to remember i am not moving back in with my parents. i am staying here for exactly 3 days and then i will be heading to new mexico.  god bless new mexico.  i need that.

everything happens for a reason. i need to breathe into this situation and it will work itself out.  there was a reason the idea to move came into my head in the first place.  this will all be okay.