Why is it that some people seem innately happy?  I’ve lived long enough to know that happiness is mostly a choice and like a muscle you have to exercise it.  But in some situations and with some people I just cannot seem to break through.  Time after time I still seem to approach them with a cold affect when really all they’re really lacking in life is love. I’m starting to fall into the mindset of “why does this become my problem?”  ... I’ve figured out how to save money/not do drugs/live responsible... why can’t they? When I have time to sit and think about it I can realize that we all have different obstacles to overcome and it’s everyones problem because we are all one human family and we all need to take care of each other...

But by god thats had to remember sometimes!

As for the last two days....

yesterday I helped the girls clean.  It wasn’t my shift, but I felt guilty for some reason and helped out.  I was also hungry and knew that we couldn’t leave for lunch until they were mostly finished.  We went to the Ashram in Taos again for lunch - it was delicious just like last time.  It is really starting to get hot out now, which I’m not a huge fan of.  I become very sluggish in the heat.  In all this heat I’m distraught over my home state that has 9 fires burning - one of which is encroaching on Mantiou and Colorado Springs enforcing an evacuation for some parts.  It makes me so sad to think of my lovely home place getting ruined. 

As we all learn acupuncture together the girls and I rotate turns on being the pin cushion and yesterday was my turn. It was a very lovely and very appreciated experience.  They massaged me, used aromatherapy, did acupuncture, a little energy work, and then cupping.  So cool.  So relaxing. 

Last night was also the long awaited sweat lodge.  I hadn’t done one since my arrival and I was itching to do it again.  Just like before it was really intense but really cool.  I made it through all 4 rounds, but barely.  It’s really intense by the end.  But the prayers that they were saying were really nice and rang very true for me.  It was much needed.  Grace is still house sitting and so she let me utilize his shower again so I could shave :)  ah, how I love that. The rest of the night was pretty chill.  We were going to watch a movie, but nobody moves very quickly around here and I got tired.

This morning I was woken up by Sara to co-treat this guy, Kenny with acupuncture.  They wanted to do it early because most of the staff is headed to Albuquerque today to see a spiritual healer.  We treated him, it went well.  I love acupuncture, but the massage part I find awkward.  Maybe it’s just because I know him, he’s young, and cute, and that makes me nervous... but I dunno.  It went well though.  

I feel like today has been really busy.  I hardly had time to change out of my pajamas. After the treatment I watered, then started to clean.  I cleaned until 1 or so when Grace, her sister and I went out to lunch in Taos.  I stopped by the post office to mail my lease and rent check (!!) and came back to to continue cleaning.  We then went out for ice cream, I applied for another job, and then an entire troop of boyscouts invaded the hostel.  I am now hiding out in my cabin and will perhaps go on my sunset walk in just a moment.  

I’m wondering about my happiness here.  I was loving it last week but now that Mouna is gone I’m wondering what my purpose is here. I’m not working in the garden.  I’m not learning from Mouna.  I hang out with a bunch of 20 year old girls (great women, but young, none the less) and clean up after very capable adults.  My sisters are coming this weekend, so that is helpful and then Mouna will get back the Wednesday after that... but then I’m hoping to leave that Friday... We’ll see if I last that long.  I’m starting to get really tired...

....

Well now I’m really pissed off.  Let me start by saying that I have been cleaning since 10:30 this morning.  It is now 10:00 at night and we just finished.  I had probably a total of 4 hours off spaced throughout the day, but otherwise a full day of work.  And guess who gets to do it all again tomorrow, and the next day?  Oh, and the whole group of boyscouts?  Yeah, they’re all checking out tomorrow.  Oh yeah, and it is only Grace and I running the WHOLE FUCKING HOSTEL.  Meaning we have to clean up after 20 pre-teen boys and their leaders - meaning 26 + beds, 9 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, and the common areas.  Not to mention all the dishes and laundry. 

And maybe it wouldn’t be that bad but the rest of the staff are in Albuquerque and the staff that did stay consider themselves above cleaning.  EVEN THOUGH I was told that the work exchange was for cleaning shifts, not for working in the garden. AND that if you stay in a cabin you have to do 4 clean shifts per week.  An obvious incongruence for the garden staff. 

I guess I’m mostly pissed because I came here to work in a garden.  I wasn’t told that the work exchange was for cleaning until I got here.  That sucks, but I rolled with it.  This experience kind of morphed into a learning from Mouna thing, which was great.  Except now she’s on vacation and I’m cleaning A LOT.  I haven’t been in the garden hardly at all it seems and when I am it’s to water or weed.  Not exactly the learning opportunity I was hoping for.  So, If I’m not in the garden and I’m not learning from Mouna then why am I here?  I don’t need practice cleaning toilets.  There’s a difference between being humble or flexible and being spineless and I feel like if I don’t speak up I will be walking dangerously close to the spineless line.  Subra gets back tomorrow and I think I will need to talk to him about this.  I hope for my sake and his that I can do so in a calm matter.  If he doesn’t take it well then I will leave.  If he is open to talking then hopefully I can stay past this weekend.