Journal entry 11.20.11

11.20.11

Sometimes when I close my eyes and try to imagine my future I can't.  I try to imagine different paths my life might take: what it would be like to marry, to tell my husband that we're pregnant, to bare a child.  I try to imagine laughing with him and being in love.  I try to imagine traveling and exploring the world.... when I imagine us meeting we are each a ball of light (one pink tinged, and one blue) but then that's it.  I can't ACTUALLY imagine myself growing up, marrying or being a mom.  and that scares me.

As a nurse I've been drawn to Trauma Step-down care.  I love caring for broken people in, what often is, the worst times of their lives.  Unfortunately there are endless heartbreaking stories that come through those rooms.  Everyone's worst nightmare, I'm afraid.  Moments in time that change the course of an entire life, and all the lives surrounding it.  The ones that affect me the worst are the young ones.  Watching an old person die is very sad, but there is an understanding that it was "their time" and that it is probably "for the best."  But caring for a young person after a life devastating injury is so hard.  There are so many unanswered questions, no niceties to ease the pain.  Just grief - even if the child is still there in the physical. 

Maybe I have a hard time with this because I am still young and feel like I have so much life to live.  Because I remember daydreaming as a girl at my play kitchen table fixing my make believe husband baby corn and baby carrots for dinner trying to hint that we were having a make believe baby.  Then I remember stuffing dolls up my shirt like a baby bump and even going as far as laying on my back in lithotomy position grunting and breathing as I pulled my doll out.  I would build houses out of blankets and umbrellas and make a home for me and all my dolls (and my make believe husband).  I could see it then, i could imagine it.... why can't I now?

I don't doubt that every little girl has these same daydreams - everyone wants to fall in love.  And to know that this sweet looking beautiful young woman will never be able to fulfill those dreams, to know that 19 years of life outside of intensive cognitive rehab is all she gets.  No love story, no babies, no building a home or traveling the globe.  It breaks my heart.

I've always wondered if people have a premonition about their lives.  I wonder if maybe on some level they know a little something about how they are going to die.  And then of course I wonder if the reason that I cannot seem to imagine my life past my 20s is because something major might happen.  Its probably just the day job, but my family is just as susceptible to hardships as the next.  I am not wishing this to happen, nor do I want to accidentally manifest it, but I am scared.  I am scared that I am so far away.  I'm scared of what I'll miss.  I'm scared because I'm not in control.  If only there was a guarantee of some kind that me and all my loved ones would make it out alive.  That all the dreams of my childhood could transcend to adulthood and we could all live happily ever after.

But I guess I'll just have to take my job as a constant reminder to live each day like your last and to love your loved ones (not just say you do, but actually do it).  I can be reminded to send light and love to every human family member to help them through whatever hardships they might be experiencing, knowing that in my times of darkness someone else is sending me light and love.  I guess thats all we can get out of life - the rest will fall into place how it is supposed to.

there you have it - 25 year old wisdom :)

my time to fly

I love my life.  There is no doubt about that.  I love that I am an educated, employed and independent woman.  However, you can always tell an effective vacation when you come away with ideas on how to enjoy your life more in the long run.  I suppose there is a part of me that is slightly envious of the people in my cohort who haven’t stayed on the straight and narrow like I have.  I appreciate my job and having an income, but there is so much more to life than that.  Life is about experience and while money can help facilitate experiences it doesn’t always facilitate meaningful experiences.  I hate the idea of working in one profession for my entire adult life.  That makes me feel far too one dimensional.  I have so many interests and desires and ideally I’d like to explore them all and maybe someday I can find a way to meld all my interests together AND make money at the same time.  Isn’t that the true American dream?  

Driving through the California country side I got excited.  So much life growing all year round.  Strawberries in February. Apple blossoms.  Beehives. Bouquets. Even just the possibility of it makes me feel alive.  Makes me want to be apart of it... got me thinking that maybe I should be apart of it.  There is an organization that places willing volunteers on organic farms for various amounts of time (2 weeks to a full season).  In exchange for labor the volunteer gets room and board, hands-on education, and sometimes a small stipend.  It’s a big leap and I’m sorry to say that my hesitation is greatly in part to money.  Such a dirty little idea - money.  Controls way too much in this world and takes beautiful situations and makes them complicated, beautiful people and makes them crooked.  However, the sense of security of having a fluffy nest egg is really nice.  Something that I got used to very quickly seeing as it was just 5 years ago that I was running to the bank at 4:30 pm to deposit the change I found in my couch cushions so my rent check wouldn’t bounce.  But I’m good at being frugal and I think a reminder of living sparsely would make me more appreciative of my money when it comes back around.  And it will come back around - I am resourceful enough to know that.

Despite the hit to my bank account I feel that the experience would help me to gain far more than money could buy.  I could almost view it furthering my education - it would be socially acceptable to quit my job to go back to school, and I will certainly be learning a lot in whatever situation I wind up in.  Sitting in the car with Laura all weekend we had some great opportunities to talk.  It was really great on many levels.  Beyond the fact that she is fun to be around and talk to it gave me an opportunity to reassess my own social anxiety.  I spend way too much time alone and therefore my socialization has been severely stunted.  I feel awkward. I get scared by the sound of my own voice.  I get nervous when someone is actually listening to me.  I am not articulate. All these things come with practice and there were brief moments on this trip when I felt the slightest glimmer of confidence shine through and it gives me hope that I can still become the cool, confident woman that I’ve always envisioned.  

I would like to live my life intentionally.  Our environment without a doubt influences the way we view the world.  Even after spending one afternoon in a ritzy part of Los Angeles I could feel my thoughts twist ever so slightly placing importance on things that have very little meaning to me.  So, in the essence of “Eat Pray Love” I like the idea of modeling my life to facilitate personal growth in an effort to squeeze every ounce out of life.  I believe parts one and two have already taken place without much planning.  Part one being Adventure - my 10 week trek across Europe. Part two would be the quest for kindness and patience - taught by the beautiful women of The South.  Perhaps part three could be my journey to social confidence, or inner peace, or spiritual growth, or whatever else the universe decides to send my way.  

The tricky part about life changing decisions as an adult is there is no cut and dry break away point.  Its not like school when the semester is over and you have a clearly defined three month stint of planned freedom.  It gets increasingly more complicated and you get exponentially more eyebrows raised as if to say “you want to do what?”.  I would have to give up my cute apartment, put all my stuff in storage, quit my pretty sweet job as a trauma nurse, drive across the country and live a fairly nomadic life for a few months or however long I wanted to be a stand-in farmer.  Its scary, but there is no hope for personal growth without overcoming a little fear - much like a muscle must be torn a little to get stronger.

Asheville has a great energy about it.  It almost beckoned me to come - opening all the right doors for the smoothest transition I could imagine, and I have no doubt that the same energy will kindly ask me to leave when my time here is done.  After my lease is up in May, of course.  And somehow this makes living here easier - knowing that I don’t intend to be here forever.  Treating it like an educational experience like a semester abroad  or something.  So now I wait.  Seize the moments, embrace the opportunities of living in The South (drink plenty of sweet tea) , and patiently listen to breeze to see if it is my time to fly away.