11.20.11
Sometimes when I close my eyes and try to imagine my future I can't. I try to imagine different paths my life might take: what it would be like to marry, to tell my husband that we're pregnant, to bare a child. I try to imagine laughing with him and being in love. I try to imagine traveling and exploring the world.... when I imagine us meeting we are each a ball of light (one pink tinged, and one blue) but then that's it. I can't ACTUALLY imagine myself growing up, marrying or being a mom. and that scares me.
As a nurse I've been drawn to Trauma Step-down care. I love caring for broken people in, what often is, the worst times of their lives. Unfortunately there are endless heartbreaking stories that come through those rooms. Everyone's worst nightmare, I'm afraid. Moments in time that change the course of an entire life, and all the lives surrounding it. The ones that affect me the worst are the young ones. Watching an old person die is very sad, but there is an understanding that it was "their time" and that it is probably "for the best." But caring for a young person after a life devastating injury is so hard. There are so many unanswered questions, no niceties to ease the pain. Just grief - even if the child is still there in the physical.
Maybe I have a hard time with this because I am still young and feel like I have so much life to live. Because I remember daydreaming as a girl at my play kitchen table fixing my make believe husband baby corn and baby carrots for dinner trying to hint that we were having a make believe baby. Then I remember stuffing dolls up my shirt like a baby bump and even going as far as laying on my back in lithotomy position grunting and breathing as I pulled my doll out. I would build houses out of blankets and umbrellas and make a home for me and all my dolls (and my make believe husband). I could see it then, i could imagine it.... why can't I now?
I don't doubt that every little girl has these same daydreams - everyone wants to fall in love. And to know that this sweet looking beautiful young woman will never be able to fulfill those dreams, to know that 19 years of life outside of intensive cognitive rehab is all she gets. No love story, no babies, no building a home or traveling the globe. It breaks my heart.
I've always wondered if people have a premonition about their lives. I wonder if maybe on some level they know a little something about how they are going to die. And then of course I wonder if the reason that I cannot seem to imagine my life past my 20s is because something major might happen. Its probably just the day job, but my family is just as susceptible to hardships as the next. I am not wishing this to happen, nor do I want to accidentally manifest it, but I am scared. I am scared that I am so far away. I'm scared of what I'll miss. I'm scared because I'm not in control. If only there was a guarantee of some kind that me and all my loved ones would make it out alive. That all the dreams of my childhood could transcend to adulthood and we could all live happily ever after.
But I guess I'll just have to take my job as a constant reminder to live each day like your last and to love your loved ones (not just say you do, but actually do it). I can be reminded to send light and love to every human family member to help them through whatever hardships they might be experiencing, knowing that in my times of darkness someone else is sending me light and love. I guess thats all we can get out of life - the rest will fall into place how it is supposed to.
there you have it - 25 year old wisdom :)
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