I hate Sundays. The quaint image of the big lunch after a lazy morning is no more when you are engaged to a football freak. 9am to 10pm is spent with the TV blaring, various men traipsing in and out of our living room, eating our food, drinking our beer, leaving their dishes where ever they may lay.  They track dirt onto my (somewhat) clean floors and spray piss on my recently cleaned toilets.

My fiance is glued to the television. Not hell or high-water could drag him away or distract him from one of the gazillion games in front of his face. He is useless on this day. "This is work" he claims, which has some legitimacy because he does make money playing Daily Fantasy Sports. But, my rebuttal is that watching the games has no effect on the outcome.

Because I work strange hours, Sundays must count for a day to get shit done. Clean house, do laundry, cook meals for the week, etc. I find this incredibly hard to do with a half-dozen football frenzied men occupying my space. We are looking into buying a house so he can have a man-cave and I can continue to have my personal space on Sundays. Our house right now has exactly one living space and an open loft, which does nothing for noise control.

I don't get to sit on my couch on Sundays. I don't get to relax because SOMEONE has to host these people and Tom has made it very clear that it won't be him. I don't necessarily mind doing this, I just wish I could retreat to a safe haven after the game that I care about is over so I can get my own stuff done with.

I am disappointed and frustrated by Sundays which is exaggerated by the memories of the comfortable lazy Sunday I hold so dear in my heart. Compounded by the fact that I have go to work tomorrow to a job that I don't like and I have another 5 days until another chance at a weekend.

Despite the ring on my finger and the same return address for over a year now, I still have the continued uncomfortable urge to keep my life changing.

Maybe it's the season. The leaves are changing and falling and maybe that's triggering my own desires to move and change.  Maybe all of this will subside once the leaves have composted back into dirt. But for this moment it is uncomfortable.

I'm not pleased with my job. I need more of a mental challenge than what I am currently getting. I've been trying to work with my manager to help me out, but it is taking a really. long. time. I've been thinking about going back to school. In fact, I met with a guy in the admissions office at Regis today to sit and chat, but I still am not sure. The fact that I'm not sure and that this is such a tough decision is making me think that it's not the right decision for me.

Which puts me back to the drawing board.

Go back to school or something else? Change units that I work on (NICU, L&D, etc)? Maybe I could mix it up in my personal life... I want to start a family sooner rather than later, I want to buy a house, maybe we could travel for a moment. Those things would add more meaning to my life, for sure.

But all of this costs money. And Tom wants to stay in Boulder. And Boulder is stupidly expensive. And any new job that I could take would include a pay cut.

I feel so silly not feeling satisfied with this glorious, rich life that I already have.

Full Circle

The more life I live the more I realize that somethings come full circle. My nursing career is one of those things.  In my first year of nursing I would make at least one mad-dash per shift into the med room/supply closet/bathroom to cry my eyes out in a quick burst before I had to suck it up and get back out there.  Back then it was too much. I was 22 and all of the sudden I had to make decisions, juggle a million things all at once, be punctual, professional, and confident. I was constantly overwhelmed and on edge. The slightest hiccup in my day would send me crying.

Of course, that anxiety faded as I actually figured out what I was doing.  Slowly the insomnia and nightmares drifted into a good nights sleep and I actually enjoyed my job for many years. 

But as things in life go, we have come full circle.  Although this time around my tears are not related to anxiety or feeling over whelmed. My tears these days are a product of repression and boredom.

It was only 6 short years ago that I was a squirrely young nurse feeling overwhelmed by every new order that was written or by a any doctor that looked like he might talk to me.  I distinctly remember talking with my favorite Trauma NP, Bob, about Patricia Benner's Novice to Expert Theory after about a year and a half of nursing. He pegged me as an "advanced beginner", which was incredibly accurate. I had so much to learn, even though at that point the nightmares had stopped and I was feeling fairly confident. But somehow unbeknownst to me, I have climbed through those levels of nursing and am now looking for a new challenge. For the record, I am not saying that I have mastered nursing. It is indeed an art and I will always have more to learn, but the big picture concepts, the gut intuition, and the flexibility I have down. 

So here I am, six years into my career and I'm bored out of my mind. I have thought about changing specialties. ICU perhaps, PACU, maybe even L&D to really change things up.  But the more I think about those options I realize that I'm not really excited about them. The chance of having to go back to night shift for God-knows-how-long is not appealing, the ICU where I work does not have a good reputation, and the fact-of-the-matter is that switching specialties feels like a band-aide and won't actually fix the issue and in the end it is essentially the same job. I would anticipate after another couple of years I would feel bored again. 

One of my big gripes with nursing is that there is no ladder to climb.  I am doing the same job I did six years ago.  I mean, I am doing it better and more confidently now, but over all it is essentially the same job. And when I say JOB I mean JOB. Nursing to me is not much of a CAREER.  There is very little room for professional growth - or at least professional growth that any one cares about. I will say, that that my current job gives me an extra $1 per hour because I am certified, which I greatly appreciate, but when it comes down to it I am still doing the same job. My certification is in Progressive Care (ie Step Down Unit or an intermediate ICU) but even with that certification and experience in a Step Down Unit I am still not allowed to work in my hospitals IMCU. I have talked to management and they are giving the me run-around saying "I'm on the list" to orient.  But I have been on said list for a year now with no movement. Why? Money. They'd have to pay me more as a "critical care float nurse" and they don't want to. 

Which brings me to my next gripe about nursing: money. Health care is a business, that is not a secret. But working the nurses into the ground, constantly asking for more out of them, with no further compensation does not give a lot of inspiration. The big push right now is regarding HCAHPS scores because the better a hospital does the bigger their reimbursement. But is the hospital enticing us with a bonus or pay raise? Nope. We get a pizza party if we do well. Wow, how generous - a buck-fifty a person and they feel guilt free. Well screw you because I can't even eat pizza.  On a similar note, I only got the 2% market increase raise this year even though "I did really well and got great comments from my co-workers"  by the end of my review my manager said "wow, you really did do well, I probably should have marked you higher". Wait, really? I have to wait a whole year before I'm even eligible to get a raise again even though I worked really hard, got great feedback from my peers and charge nurses, and met all of your criteria this year?  That moment marked the beginning of the end for me. I realized that I can be a half-assed nurse and get paid exactly the same as if I work my tail off. No one really cares, except the patients of course.  Though, sadly for my wallet, I care enough about the patients to continue working my ass off every day which is only accelerating my burn-out.

Moving on to my most recent qualm with nursing, and perhaps the "straw that is breaking  the camels back", per say, is the micromanaging leading to repression. There is a check list and protocol for everything. I understand this is for patient safety and continuity, which I completely support, but there becomes a point when it has gone too far. We are, after all, adults and "professionals" and were supposed to have learned most of this stuff in school. It feels fairly belittling to have someone watching over my back making sure every piece of the nursing process is completed to their satisfaction and then getting dinged on stupid shit - ie not utilizing their brand new fancy magnets for the communication white board to discern the activity level of the patient. Simply writing "CALL FOR HELP TO GET OUT OF BED" in bold black ink is not sufficient. No, we must use the yellow magnet that says in tiny print (for 80 year old eyes) "Staff assistance needed for all out of bed activities." Now, I think it's fantastic that the hospital decided to spend unnecessary money on color coded magnets instead of giving their nurses adequate raises, but I'm not sure it is any more effective then good-ol' education and legible handwriting.... but what do I know, I'm just a nurse. 

Their most recent soap box (and subsequently my most recent soap box) is the issue of hiding our beverages in a drawer. This is "for our protection" so we don't contract certain blood borne illnesses such as HIV and Hepatitis B & C.  It is apparently a CMS regulation which is why they care so much. But I have asked both my manager and the freaking Director of Med-Surg Nursing about this rule only to be pushed aside. Nothing they say makes any sense. In my discussion with Leslie, the kind of cool but mostly terrifying director of Med-Surg Nursing, she got legitimately pissed off when I questioned her.  Our conversation started in a fairly demeaning way: "What am I looking at that I shouldn't be looking at?" she questioned. When I told my elementary-school-teaching-fiance about this he said "ha! That's what I say to my first graders!" Well anyway, I was as calm and respectful as I could be reassuring her that I wasn't trying to be defiant but am simply a logical person who needs to know why I am being asked to do something.  She continued to give me some bull-shit explanation about how if someone doesn't wash their hands and then they touch my cup then I'm at risk (first of all, why aren't they washing their hands, secondly why are they touching my cup in the first place and third of all, how is their hand-goo getting INSIDE my covered beverage). But I didn't ask questions because her forehead vein was protruding.  The conversation ended with "put your drink in the drawer right now or else" and "you're going to do it because it's the rule." Great, thanks. What ever happened to clinical significance and evidence based practice?  Show me the clinical studies with statistically significant data that show nurses getting HIV from drinking water at their desk and maybe I'll be compliant. But simply telling me "its for my protection" and to do it because its the rule is militaristic bull-shit and I can't stand it.  I was raised both as a nurse and as a human to ask questions and critically THINK about what I'm being told. And yet, when I do I get squashed.

When it comes down to it I'm tired of being treated like a child and I'm ready for a grown up job. 

These are the things that are sending me into the supply closet to cry these days and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.  In the past when I've reached the burn out stage I knew it was time to move again.  The change in scenery, management, and unit were usually enough stimulation to make the job exciting again.  But now that I'm in a committed relationship and hoping to start a family soon that is not as much of a feasible option.  So whats next?  Back to school seems like the only option with a pay-raise, but thats a huge commitment and enough pros and cons to fill another entire blog.

Perhaps that is the perfect end to my nursing career coming full circle - winding up back in school.

those who ground me.

I love how sometimes old friends can ground you.  Bring you back to center - remind you who you are at your core. 

Hilary and I just spent 2 1/2 hours talking and it felt like no time passed at all - and we hardly caught up on the FACTS of life (on our way to bed I said, ‘oh yeah, aren’t you in nursing school?!”).  That’s the sign of a really good conversation - when you don’t feel the need to talk about yourself to keep the conversation moving. We spoke on a much higher level. It was fantastic.

Something that really opened my eyes was when she was speaking about the nine levels of ego. It really got me thinking about MYSELF again. It might sound strange when talking about the comparison of enlightenment stages, but I couldn’t help but feel like I have regressed in someways since I’ve returned home. In Asheville, I spent SO MUCH TIME meditating, crying, writing and getting to know myself on a very deep and intimate level and I really feel like I am better for it. But now that I’m back in my comfortable life surrounded by people who love me, never with two nights in a row at home alone, I am loosing touch with myself. I might be losing sight of what really matters in life and what direction I want to be heading. 

I needed this reminder to recenter myself. Focus my energy on loving instead of criticizing/anticipating/nit picking at everything that doesn’t go my way. 

I’ve been so impressed with my friend, Andrea. She and Zack just got engaged and she is so calm about it. I mean, she’s excited, but she wasn’t anxious about him popping the question (of course, it happened pretty quick) and she doesn’t have a lot of expectations as far as the ceremony goes. It’s lovely to see. In contrast, I spent an entire morning googling images of engagement rings and day dreaming about the different ways he could ask me and when.  In reality he won’t do any of those things and when the day is over I will just be over the moon excited that we are actually getting married.  I need to work on removing the expectation.  Expectation can only lead to disappointment. 

I also need to be more centered in myself.  I feel like I WAS at one point, but adding another person to the equation kind of throws it off balance a little bit. But to find that peace again, the inner calm that I once felt, I think is my key to a long and happy life/marriage. I can only control myself, I can never change or control my partner.

How fantastic it is to have old friends in this world to ground me.

I cannot wait to grow up.  Isn’t that horrible?  I’m 27.  Supposedly some of the best years of my life, and yet all I can do is dream about the future. I cannot wait! I have such a clear vision of what I want my life to be and I am stuck in limbo.  

I have a great guy.  98% of the time I’m sure he’s THE ONE.  The 2% is usually when I’m cranky and overwhelmed by life. I’m so glad that I’ve probably found the one - that feels really good, but it feels like limbo because we aren’t actively working towards marriage.  We live together, which is great, and we talk about the future a lot, but no outright plans to get hitched anytime soon.  

We live in a cute little condo that he owns. It’s fine for right now. He’s been great about letting me make my mark, but I know that this home is not forever (or even for awhile) so I’m hesitant to really settle in.  And it has no garden, and having a garden is #1 in my future plans.

I’m taking a Master Gardener class right now, mostly because I can, but its not helping to soothe my longing for the future.  I’m getting all these great ideas and nuggets of knowledge that I can’t wait to apply, but yet again I will have a mobile container garden this year. I can’t wait for my garden to be rooted in the earth. 

I can’t wait to buy a house. I know it comes with its own set of challenges, but to be able to benefit from the work you put into a place would be fantastic. To see the worth in upgrading/painting/etc would be a welcomed change from my transient haphazard lifestyle... and yet I’m very excited that we’re talking about a year of Travel Nursing.

Right now I am too busy to do all the things I want to do. So much of life is work and I don’t see how I could possibly be happy working full time for the rest of my life.  I think I should diversify - have more than one job.  But then I wonder if I would be stretched too thin.  Really all I want to do is take care of my home, my family, my garden, and make everything from scratch, maybe gets some chickens.  But honestly, I’m just not sure I’ll ever be able to do that.  Money is such an issue. I hate that Colorado is getting so expensive. I hate that our economy has made it so a normal family must of two working parents to make ends meet. 

So there you have it.  My head it eternally in the future.  All I can do is to do my best to occupy myself in the present and breathe. 

Boulder

Boulder.  Supposedly the epidemy of cool. A hippie safe-haven. A forward thinking, cleaner living community. I have yet to appreciate any of those things in this town.  So a far I have experienced attitude. A notion that because your zip code is within Boulder Valley you are automatically a marathon-runner, summited at least half of Colorado’s 14‘ers, you are continuously on a juice cleanse, attend yoga three nights per week (while wearing nothing other than lulu lemon attire), and probably own your own super altruistic non-profit that fixes all the worlds problems which you started while you were still in college (a prestigious liberal arts college, no doubt).

I do not fit in here. I believe in all of those things. Health. Wellness. Vitality. But I am only human - a VERY AVERAGE human at that. I have climbed ONE 14’er. I have done ONE juice cleanse. I run 5K’s and think they are challenging. I attend yoga once every couple of weeks (I will admit that I do own ONE lulu lemon outfit).  I went to a state school, and I work as a nurse and only sometimes like it. I am not the average Boulderite (and I have been average my entire life). 

It seems like it has to be all or nothing. There is no place for mediocrity in Boulder. You either give it your all or nothing at all. Marathoner or couch potato. I for one do not have the time nor desire to dedicate my life to fitness. Please hear me when I say I want to stay fit. But to compete at the level that these folks compete at is unattainable for me - at least it is if I want to continue doing the things that I actually like to do. 

The thing is, I really do like myself - or at least I do when I am in my right state of mind and not feeling burdened by everything that I am not. I am good at things. I love gardening. And cooking. I love music. I am an introvert and I want to be a farmer.  As Kate says, “ make your own definition of awesome.”  But I’m struggling with that. I’ve never been the best at anything. So even though I am good at a few things, it seems that my “good” is just not good enough in the eyes of Boulder. 

You know, that’s another thing: everything that I like (and have liked for long time) is now trendy.  Especially in Boulder. I hate that. They have taken what I love and made it trendy. It makes me feel disingenuous even though it was my thing first - people don’t know that.  Before when I would say those things, it would give people an idea of who I am and now when I say that they have no way to differentiate between me and every other gardening, kale-eating, wanna-be-homesteading 20-something.

So I’m in this strange place where I don’t fit in at all and yet I’m exactly like everyone here. I don’t feel defined. I don’t feel accepted. I don’t feel like me right now.