1.8.12

Maybe I'm making this moving thing into too much of a philosophical experience.  I talk to some of my other friends that have moved and their mind doesn't seem to be in the same tailspin that mine is in.  But I can't help but live my life in an attempt to make some sense out of this - find the deeper meaning, etc etc.  Perhaps it is my brain filling the gap where religion should be.  I believe we all have a certain spiritual hunger that we create to fill in the gaps and make sense out of things that don't make sense. Some people fill it with answers from organized religion, but I cannot. So instead I sit here and mull over the inner workings of the world and end up with a giant headache.


Being home was eye opening.  It was a very strange feeling coming "home" to a place that doesn't feel like home and then coming back to North Carolina but not necessarily feeling at home here either.  I can say with certainty that I should not be living in Denver and that having a distance between me and my family is a good thing for me in this moment.  The energy in my parents house is stifling and being there made me analyze my childhood and made me consider enrolling in some kind of therapy.  Not to say it was a bad childhood but there are definite subtle undertones that have been very harmful to me and my sisters.  I feel like someone should write a book about the Untold Stories of Suburbia... a lot of shit goes down out there that people don't know about and so everyone thinks its all white picket fences and college educations, which leaves those of us who are wounded feeling guilty because we "have it all" - and we do... but .... I dunno, I guess the grass is always greener and there is no such thing as a perfect childhood.


So here I am a week into the new year and I've been struggling settling into the rhythm of Asheville again.  Analyzing the pro's and con's and eagerly waiting for the winter clouds of discontent to lift away.   I have a made a quasi-resolution to attempt to be more extroverted and get out and meet people.  I signed up for a bunch of "meet ups" and called some friends to set up some outings and I'm just trying to live it up.  I can't wait for my life to start or hope it will knock on my door - I have to take the reins and make it happen for my self.  I fully believe that you get out of life what you put in to it - that might mean spending money from time to time or even getting hurt from time to time, but a life spent on a couch in front of a laptop surfacing only to go to work and the grocery store is not something that creates stories for the grandkids.  So maybe moving across the country is the price I needed to pay to practice this lesson of life


CAN I GET AN AMEN!