I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be care-free and loving all the time. I want kindness spewing from my pores. But I just can't.

I'm struggling with (yet another) life change. This time it is a beautiful and wonderful life change resulting in what I've been searching for my entire adult life - an opportunity to grow a home and a family. But I'm learning that it doesn't mean it's not hard.

Tom and I have been cohabiting for a year and a half now. One would think I would be used to it, but I'm not. It is starting to feel like home (now that we're talking about moving). But I am still aching and yearning for my own space. For alone time. For control over my environment. I was just getting good at being my own person when I was single. I was getting the hang of being a grown up and having control over my space. And now, ironically, one of the most grown up things a girl can do feels like a giant step backwards.

I am hoping that moving into a bigger home will help. There will hopefully be a man-cave or office of sorts where he can go and close the door to contain all the little sounds that he doesn't even know annoy me. Meanwhile, I can be upstairs and relish my much needed alone/quiet time in a well lit home. Of course, kids hopefully won't be too far down the line which I imagine will dissolve any semblance of quiet.

Its ironic because in the past I have bitched about have in TOO MUCH alone time and TOO MUCH quiet and now I've swung too far the other way where I have to specifically ASK to be alone. I just need to find that balance. I'm sure it will come with time. But in the mean time I really really miss it. I miss the introspection - that is the time that I grow as a person and meditate on HOW to be happy and kind. I NEED that time. Right now I feel like I'm treading water, just fighting through each day without it meaning very much.

I guess I need to remember that I still have some control. I can not hang out with him every night. I can be more vocal about him using headphones. Maybe we can establish some sort of routine so I can have one night where I have the house to my self. I don't always have to eat what he's eating if its not healthy enough for my likings. There are options, but I want to make sure that our relationship doesn't suffer as a result. Time will tell.

This growing up thing is hard, in case you were wondering.