Wow, life is wild - isn't it?  I've been in Denver now for 6 months and I'm having a hard time keeping up.  I found myself day dreaming for New Mexico today. The simplicity and beauty of a desolate town like Arroyo Seco.  The ability to sit and watch the sun set.  Hell, I'd settle for being able to see an unobstructed view of the sunset - but with all the buildings and smog it's not as common as one might think.

But I'm just emoting. I really do love it here. I'm just in a weird place emotionally today.  All of the sudden I feel so young. This is not a bad thing except that all the confidence and clear visions for my future are shoved aside and replaced with a very squirrly, squeaky little girl.  See, I've started seeing this guy  (I know, I know...) and I'm about 75% sure that he's the guy I've been manifesting for my entire adult life. He's got every quality that I have on my list (both the short and the long!) and he's just lovely.  So lovely in fact that I had to pre-medicate before our date yesterday with pepto bismol.  Those are some gnarly butterflies. But the date went great.  This whole reverting to pre-pubescence started when he said that I wouldn't understand what getting older feels like because I'm only 26 (granted he is only 30) and while I tried to defend myself it was a feeble attempt. I am young.  I've been focused for so long on growing up and finding The One that now the idea of a potentially successful long term relationship is at my finger tips I am finding it hard to breathe. This is what I want. I've thought long and hard about that so that is not the issue, but am I ready?

I feel like a school girl about this guy.  Giggling with my girl friends, butterflies just at the thought of kissing him, stocking his on-line personality. I'm no better than I was when I was 13. Life comes full circle I guess.

God, wouldn't it be great if this one actually worked out?  If he really is the man of my dreams?  Don't get me wrong, I am cautiously hopeful. I realize that there is a very distinct possibility that he is just like every other guy i've met... but there is always that HOPE. It has to happen eventually.

And I suppose that is why I feel so much older.  I have been looking for this person for 15 years - at least.  The idea of him has haunted every slumber party, every date, every breakup that I have ever faced and every single fucking time I walk away disheartened but hopeful.  Hopeful because I am a good person and somehow that means that I deserve someone who loves me... yes?

time will tell. for now, I focus on the breath.